Thursday, April 9, 2009

Rotation Watch - New York Mets

Since my clever colleague over here decided to start the inevitable feces throwing this early in the season, I decided to sink to the Shea Stadium Children's Blood and Tears Citi Field level, and fire back.

Since declaring Johan Santana an Ace is like calling a sorority girl nicknamed "Spread-Eagle", "easy", there's no reason to divulge into his place at the top of the Mets staff. But besides Johan and the gift of Jesus Christ's changeup, the rotation is shaky at best. First up, Mike Pelfrey, the Mutts #2. Boy did he look great last night! Oh wait, he looked like shit, that's right, I was too busy watching the Mets offense light it up for anyone without the initials "J.S.".

Next up - Oliver Perez, Culican's very own version of Jeff Spicoli. Will he act like he gives a shit today? Will he implode and walk 13? Will he strike out 15 and make housewives from Flushing wet their belly-high trousers? Who knows...It's always a crap shoot.

At #4 we have John Maine. Can he avoid another injury? Can he avoid a second-half landslide like 2007, when he went 5-6 with a 5.53 ERA after the All-Star break? Can he please catch the clap from some Bridge and Tunnel skank?

Rounding out the rotation is the other vaunted Cuban-born Hernandez brother - Livan. He's famous for tantalizing fans after a hot start, and then systematically collapsing start-by-start until he's mercifully released, only to trick another team into picking him up. He used to be a rotation "Iron Man" because he pitched 200+ innings a season for 8 seasons straight. But not anymore. And ignore his listed age of "33", it's much closer to "43".

1 comment:

AK-47 said...

I always say, if feces is worth throwing, it's worth throwing early!