Monday, April 6, 2009

Team Flat-Hat

There's a trend catching on in baseball that I really can't stand. And it's something I can't get away from, either, because I see it spreading from team to team at a rapid pace. It's not player's appearances either, fat or ugly or fat and ugly - no, it's not anything like that at all. It's that some of them, just SOME of them (for now, thank God) choose to purposely flatten out the brim of their hat so it's straight across with no curve.

As you can see in the simple diagram above, the typical MLB hat has some curve to the brim. This is clearly different than the annoyingly-flat-brimmed hat on the left. I assume that some of today's players seem to think that by doing this, they receive magical strike-throwing or ball-hitting ability. Not true. And I just can't stomach it anymore. The main perpetrators must be exposed.

Here they are, the roster of the All Flat-Hat team (team ranked in order of brim flatness, in ascending order):

Troy Tulowitzki

Slight arch, but a bit too flat for my taste.

Joba Chamberlin

Where the hell are this ugly bastard's eyebrows?

Dontrelle Willis

Why is he holding an orange? Ohh, that's right, he sells them now.

Colby Rasums

Uber-prospect? Yes. Uber-asshole? Yes.

Anthony Reyes

Does that brim come to a slight crown...? No, no it does not.

Chad Cordero

Hey Chad, maybe if you lift the had from over
your eyes you'd be able to throw some strikes.

Edinson Volquez
It's so flat it almost looks like he just placed it

on his head and could blow off at any second.

What do you say, boys? Do it for your old pal AK. Curve those brims!

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