Thursday, May 21, 2009

Bring Out the Chopping Block!

The end of May is upon us, several teams are out of contention already (maybe next year Washington, Cleveland, Oakland, Colorado, Arizona, Baltimore), and several players have either been staler than Brian Sabean's brain fluid, injured beyond repair, or caught taking a PED's even though they're sooo fucking 2008. Which brings me to my point: trade speculation. It's time to discuss which players will soon have to uproot his children from their closely knit community and relocate them to a different community 3,000 miles away, laying the tracks for a future of solid parental hatred and dismissal of all authority. All fun things...all fun things.

So, away we go. Here are eight players (including one that isn't going anywhere even though the New York media can't stop sniffing his crotch) that could be on the move by the time the trade deadline rolls around, or even sooner.

Cliff Lee - LHP, Indians: 2-5, 2.90 ERA, 45 K's

Last year's media darling/comeback player of the year/A.L. Cy Young Award winner is being talked about more now than he was a year ago, mostly because the Indians are worse off, and headed nowhere fast. Lee could be a valuable addition to any team searching for a lefty with the potential to dominate, especially with that heap of shit the Mets call their "rotation".

Victor Martinez - C/1B/DH, Indians: .400 BA, 7 HR, 27 RBI

The Indians have a 2010 club option on the oft-injured Martinez, but are willing to part ways with him for any sort of pitching prospect in return. He could be headed to Boston, which would make me unhappy, because Martinez always seems to rake in tough spots against the Spanks, with a career statline that looks like this: .299 BA, 7 HR, 32 RBI. Not exactly pre-steroids old Big Papi style, but not Scott Hatte-nerd either.

Nick Johnson - 1B, Nationals: .333 BA, 4 HR, 24 RBI

The always bloated Nick Johnson could be finally past his history of injury woes, but to say for sure, I cannot. You see, Johnson was a favorite of mine while he was with the Yankees. He seemed like a high average, high OBP guy who could avoid the media spotlight while also secretly ingesting vats of Dunkin Donuts sugary glaze. Unfortunately, he was dealt to Montreal in one of Brian Cashman's brilliantly brokered deals for Javier Vasquez, and the love affair ended. So, if he ends up anywhere, I'd rather it be as Carlos Delgado's replacement with the Mets and not the soon-to-be-slaughtered-in-a-dark-field-behind-Logan-Airport, Big Papi's.

Mark DeRosa - EVERYWHERE, Indians: .242 BA, 6 HR, 25 RBI

DeRosa is off to a slow start this year, but, when given the chance to start, he's been relatively consistent. He's another name that's been lurching around the Mets front office, and could put his skills to use in place of the aforementioned Delgado, among every other fucking infielder rumored to be traded. So don't take stock in what you hear, he'll probably end up in Boston. He fits Theo's type: white and...well, white.

Aubrey Huff - 1B/3B/DH, Orioles: .273 BA, 7 HR, 34 RBI

Joba Chamberlain's favorite doppelganger is once again on the block, and his stock has risen a lot higher since this time last season. Huff has pop, and a glove, and when healthy, can be a great addition to any team (note to Boston: he's super-white!). Huff is also interested in improv and clubhouse hilarity, two other aspects those cockbags from Boston love to incorporate.

Jake Peavy - RHP, Padres: 3-5, 3.82 ERA, 69 K's

Three years removed from the Padres last playoff berth and two years removed from his 2007 N.L. Cy Young season, Peavy can still deal, but has had zero help from the team's offense, aside from Adrian Gonzalez's tightly groomed mustache and bat. There will be suitors lining up for Peavy's services, just like over there were over the winter. But this time if Padres General Manager Josh Towers wants to broker a deal, he has to stop asking for the owning rights of the Beatles entire collection and a sex marathon with Bar Refaeli. Leo don't play that shit, son.

Roy Halladay - RHP, Blue Jays: 8-1, 2.78 ERA, 57 K's

Unless J.P. Riccardi wants a legion of beret wearing Canucks cramming croissants up his Pizano ass, he better leave this one alone. Halladay is the best pitcher in the American League, if not all of baseball (ohhhhhh!), so if for some brain-damaged reason Riccardi did decide to move him, he would command a King's ransom and a better piece than Phillip Humber in return.

Matt Holliday - OF, Athletics: .268 BA, 5 HR, 26 RBI

While in New York earlier this season, Holliday mentioned that he would definitely consider playing for the Yankees (knowing what kind of bounty the Steinbrenner twins pay, who their right fucking mind wouldn't?). But I'm personally not sold on this guy - his splits scream Coors Field Hero. Fuck him, why not wait and see if Jason Bay hits the market this offseason?

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