Wednesday, May 20, 2009

God's Gift to Mankind Returns

**Mimicking high-pitched woman's voice** Oh my God, what are we going to do, Mark Teixeira is hitting below the Mendoza line! Call a Psychologist! Call a Paranormalist! Get someone in here to fix this man!

(clears throat) Did I or did I not specifically say that the best is yet to come for Mark Teixeira? How do I get it throw that testicle-sized brain of yours? Do I need to announce it while having sex with your wife in front of your entire extended family during a Father's Day BBQ? Will that get your fucking attention? How about if I interrupt your precious lunch-time hamburger, huh? What if I pop my head in front of that delicious cheeseburger, dripping so lusciously with pickle juice, onions and ketchup, and remind you of my preseason proclamation? Maybe I'll also take that burger and cram it up your morbidly-obese-asshole just to make sure you get the fucking point.

(tears shirt off, rat-tails Mike Vaccaro in eye)

What you're going to see next - my performance from now until September - will not only shock you, but it may kill you. Seriously. Dead. Dead as Michael Kay's brain. This especially goes for you fat-boy's with the titties that poke through your white polo shirts. Which is gross, by the way. How the fuck could a man let himself get so fat that he grows titties?

(is reminded by a member of the media that A-Rod's nickname was "Bitch-Tits")

Oh that's right...I forgot about that. Well, if that guy keeps hitting home runs at the rate he's hitting them at now, I guess everyone can have tits - men, women, children. Tits for everyone!

(tears undershirt off, simultaneously impregnates women in audience)

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