Why's My Head Growing?

BREAKING NEWS: We're Out!

2009-06-03T09:35:00.008-04:00

It is a sad, sad day here at Why's My Head Growing, because as of today, we are closing the doors for good. It was a good run - almost 2 years, but the times thay are a changing. And it's not you, it's us. We did this...We did this. Shh, shh, it's going to be okay...I know all 27 of you readers are upset, and we thank you from the bottom of our blackened hearts for sticking with us. But before you delete this link from your bookmarks, I want to let you know that there is a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. Because in death, there is life. In life, there is remembrance...or some hokey fucking shit like that.

So, I'll be continuing my high-blood-pressure hate-fueled tirades over at 3:10 to Joba (Full URL: 310toJoba.blogspot.com).

They've been gracious enough to take me in with open arms. Or with brutal indifference, but who's counting, really? But they're good people, and And by "good people" I mean "sarcastic assholes who appreciate the fine art of insult and mock". They encouraged me to bring over some of our ~~retread~~ unique featured posts, so you'll be reading the same shit, just on a different site! WHO'S FUCKING PUMPED?

I predict that I will assimilate smoothly.

Here's one more video for the road before I go. I'll be listening to Bob Seger in the car if you need me.

CLICK HERE TO 3:10 IN CASE YOU MISSED THE OTHER PLUG

Creepy Comparison #75: Cougar Mania

2009-06-02T12:41:00.004-04:00

When Ashton Kutcher started bagging Demi Moore, I know most of you had the same reaction as me: Fuck you. Yes, that's right. Fuck him for bagging a cougar that is filled with so much artificial ingredient, she will probably look amazing until the day she keels over. And to top it off, not only did he woo Demi Moore, but he also befriended her ex in the process, Bruce Willis. Well, you gotta give respect in that regard.

Now, Justin Masterson, he's another story altogether. I fear him. Seriously. Because when Jonathan Papel-asshole's shoulder dislodges and his arm tears off and whacks some Portsmith hick's head sitting in the stands, Masterson will step in and make the seamless transition to the closer role. He has a 3/4 delivery that throws batters off, and his fastball consistently hits the mid-nineties. I'm convinced he could be a dominate starter as well, but I'd rather have to face the guy only when the Yankees are down and facing a loss.

Another One Joins the Ranks

2009-06-01T10:57:00.003-04:00

John Maine is headed to the DL. Is there no end in sight for the growing list of injured players over in Queens?

I think the Mets can take solace in the fact that they're winning games even with half their team beat-up or down for an extended period of time. It also builds character. Like cutting the lawn. Who likes to mow the lawn? It's hot, it's fucking arid, dirt gets in your mouth, your friends drive by and yell shit at you. It sucks. But apparently it makes you a better person. So hopefully the Mets can look at these injuries, and the holes in their rotation and lineup, and pretend it's like mowing the lawn.

Friday Video: Mike Francesa is Insane

2009-05-29T09:54:00.004-04:00

A lot of people hate Mike Francesa. More than a lot; a ton. He's brash, quick to the jump the gun, chugs Diet Coke like it's Fountain of Youth elixir, and refuses to accept anyone's opinions but his own. But you gotta hand it to the guy, at least he's consistent. And for that, I respect him. I respect him more because I saw him at a wedding last year and he was wearing a white blazer and an open collar like he was a stand in for John Cazale in, "The Godfather II", but that's beside the point.

This clip is from earlier this week. A caller suggests that Joba is the Yankees best starter. Mike does not like that. What you are about to see is a man tip-toeing the line between excited and heart attack. Awesome.

Madness? This...Is...IMPOSSIBLE!

2009-05-28T10:00:00.032-04:00

What was once relatively unlikely, now seems to be almost a sure thing - barring some unforeseen ostrich poaching - Randy Johnson will win his 300th game. And what a milestone it is, because Johnson will probably be the last pitcher to EVER DO IT.

Yes, I am fully aware that every time this statement is said in relation to some sports record, the record is immediately broken, and the person who voiced it is taken away to the Gulag and bludgeoned to death with a cane. But fuck that. This shit isn't happening - ever again. Not ever. Especially not in this age of pussy managers pulling their pitchers after a hundred pitches. We have evolved! We have grown bigger and stronger! If 5'2'' Sandy Koufax could take the mound every fourth day and toss 200+ pitches, so can everyone else!

The 300 career win milestone may disappear soon, and sooner than you think. Only four active players currently have more than 200 wins (Pedro with 214, is not active, so fuck off) - Randy Johnson: 299, Jaime Moyer: 249, Andy Pettitte: 219, and John Smoltz: 210. Out of these players, only Pettitte is under 40 years of age (36).

And believe it or not, there are many people and fans out there that tend to think that some dominate active pitchers will hit the 300 win plateau, no matter what age said player is, not matter what limitations said player faces, and no matter what the real experts predict. Well, all you happy-go-lucky believers out there, here's some advice: don't hold your breath. Actually, on second though, do, because it will afford humanity a few less assholes to support.

Here's a list of players who have an "outside" shot at 300. And by "outside" I mean "no". To make things fair, I'm putting them all on the same career path: We will assume that each pitcher will be a starting pitcher until they're 42.

The Cagey Vets
I'm mathematically eliminating these 35-and-under guys that are in the 130-200 win range, because it's just not happening for them: Livan Hernandez - (151), Tim Hudson (146), Barry Zito (124), Kevin Millwood (146), Jeff Suppan (131), and Javier Vasquez (131).

1. Johan Santana, 30, 116 Wins

Arguably the games best left-handed pitcher, Santana has consistently reeled off double-digit win seasons since moving into the Twins rotation full-time in 2003. But, in order to get to 300 wins, with 12 more years left, Santana must average at least 15 wins per season. Naga-naga-nagana happen.

2. CC Sabathia, 28, 121 Wins

Experts tend to watch CC like NASCAR: It's only matter of time before something happens, right? Right? He's so fat! He's so big! His hat is crooked, that can't be a good sign! When is he going to lapse into a diabetic coma? Well, I don't think it will happen any time soon. Since coming into the league at 20 years old in 2001, Sabathia has yet to pitch less than 180 innings per season. He's even gone as high as 253, very rare for this day and age of 6 inning "warriors". But he still needs to average about 13 wins per season for the next fourteen seasons. That's a lot of fat jokes.

3. Roy Halladay, 32, 139 Wins

Doc has the kind of pitching style that may afford him a decent shot - he's not a power pitcher and doesn't rely on a curveball, which induces serious stress on the pitching elbow. With ten seasons left, he needs to average 16.1 wins per season. It's hard to underestimate the man, but it's also hard to think he'll actually pull it off. Kind of like you and that girl you're trying to fuck. She's way out of your league. Why not go after the fatso in the corner with zero self-esteem and back tits? Hey, it could be worse...

Roy Oswalt, 31, 130 Wins

Every season, experts predict the demise of Roy Oswalt. And every season, he ends up turning things around. Last year, around this time, he was awful, having a 4-5 record and an ERA of 5.45. By September, he was chalking up his 17th victory. Don't count the guy out. No, not because he's resilient, but because he carries a fucking gun. Seriously. Stay the fuck away from him.

The Young Guns

1. Tim Lincecum, 25, 29 Wins

It sounds minimal - 29 wins - but if he is able to keep his 5'10'' frame healthy, pitch into his early forties without any setbacks, and play on a competitive team, he will only have to average 16 wins per season...For the next 17 seasons. See what I did there?

2. Zach Greinke, 25, 42 Wins

I don't what the doctors prescribed Greinke - I assume it goes something like this - but if he has suddenly turned into the dominate pitcher he was supposed to be when the Royals drafted him, he will only need to keep his shit together and win another 258 more games! I wonder how many CVS refills is that?

3. Cole Hamels, 25, 40 Wins

Hamels may be crawling his way back after postseason surgery, but does he have enough to sustain a long, productive career? 260 wins left - it's daunting. And keep in mind that Hamels plays in Philly, which is the equivalent of playing in Satan's Asshole. That has to take it's toll on a man, right?

Creepy Comparison #74: Songs That Make You Naked

2009-05-27T10:38:00.003-04:00

When I was a freshman in college, stumbling around seedy bars with a cigarette dangling from my mumbling lips, drinking floaters off tables, "Thong Song" became a hit. It would come on, and immediately I'd be returned from whatever foggy dark place I was lost in. Girls would robotically jump up onto bars and drop their pants or lift their skirts. It was like a rock star just walked in and ordered a tall glass of half-nudity. Many of the co-eds shaking their asses on the bar did not belong there. But many of them did. What a time in was.

So, the other guy is Jimmy Rollins. Although I am not a Mets fan, I do hope Rollins catches Swine Flu, because he is an asshole, a rotten, rotten asshole, who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. Too harsh for your virgin ears? Grow up, I'm half-kidding. I actually hope he catches the bubonic plague.

Brilliance Avoided

2009-05-26T09:32:00.001-04:00

There are, or will be, times in your life when you feel that everyone else is the person who devises that "great" idea. You feel like you just can't get a verbal handle on all those brilliant thoughts swimming through your mind, but Joe Jackoff can, and this makes you angry, or depressed, or pushes you over the edge and forces you to bring a carbine rifle into work. It happens. Let's face it.

Well, we can all rest assured for now, because at least we all know we're smarter than the VP of promotions for Major League Baseball. Red fucking hat day? Really, asshole? This was not a good idea. It was a terrible idea. It was similar to watching a little league all star game, where the league's board member were too cheap to shell out for the matching t-shirt and instead provides the poor little fuckers with a cheap, not-suited-for-even-Wal-Mart-quality fishnet hat. GAY!

This is a billion dollar business, the MLB, so who the fuck okayed this shit? It looked AWFUL. And in no way is this a tribute to our active or fallen soldiers.

I imagine dickhead-in-charge-had this to say:

"Hey guys, just so you know, every player will be wearing an MLB licensed red hat for you today! Look, look, we assimilated the American flag into each team's emblem! We hope this small yet kind gesture makes you feel full of pride while you dodge exploding roadside bombs and stray bullets fired by a 12-year-old fanatic, and for those of you who have returned home, protesters with swollen trust funds a knack for back door bigotry! Hooray for the U.S.-of-fucking-A!"

You should be de-balled. A representative from each branch of the military should be allowed to walk up to you and knee you in the cock. You're worthless at your job, and your ideas are worse than the guy who invented camouflage uniforms. Unless that was you too, and then you deserve to be quartered before Game 1 of the World Series. And here's one last piece of advice: die.

Friday Movie Matinee: The Fan

2009-05-22T09:48:00.002-04:00

This clip from, "The Fan", begins about 30 seconds after I want it to, regardless, this movie is insane, and De Niro does a great job portraying a psychopath. It's not the greatest sports movie ever, but it is definitely one of the creepiest.

Bring Out the Chopping Block!

2009-05-21T08:00:00.000-04:00

The end of May is upon us, several teams are out of contention already (maybe next year Washington, Cleveland, Oakland, Colorado, Arizona, Baltimore), and several players have either been staler than Brian Sabean's brain fluid, injured beyond repair, or caught taking a PED's even though they're sooo fucking 2008. Which brings me to my point: trade speculation. It's time to discuss which players will soon have to uproot his children from their closely knit community and relocate them to a different community 3,000 miles away, laying the tracks for a future of solid parental hatred and dismissal of all authority. All fun things...all fun things.

So, away we go. Here are eight players (including one that isn't going anywhere even though the New York media can't stop sniffing his crotch) that could be on the move by the time the trade deadline rolls around, or even sooner.

Cliff Lee - LHP, Indians: 2-5, 2.90 ERA, 45 K's

Last year's media darling/comeback player of the year/A.L. Cy Young Award winner is being talked about more now than he was a year ago, mostly because the Indians are worse off, and headed nowhere fast. Lee could be a valuable addition to any team searching for a lefty with the potential to dominate, especially with that heap of shit the Mets call their "rotation".

Victor Martinez - C/1B/DH, Indians: .400 BA, 7 HR, 27 RBI

The Indians have a 2010 club option on the oft-injured Martinez, but are willing to part ways with him for any sort of pitching prospect in return. He could be headed to Boston, which would make me unhappy, because Martinez always seems to rake in tough spots against the Spanks, with a career statline that looks like this: .299 BA, 7 HR, 32 RBI. Not exactly ~~pre-steroids~~ old Big Papi style, but not Scott Hatte-nerd either.

Nick Johnson - 1B, Nationals: .333 BA, 4 HR, 24 RBI

The always bloated Nick Johnson could be finally past his history of injury woes, but to say for sure, I cannot. You see, Johnson was a favorite of mine while he was with the Yankees. He seemed like a high average, high OBP guy who could avoid the media spotlight while also secretly ingesting vats of Dunkin Donuts sugary glaze. Unfortunately, he was dealt to Montreal in one of Brian Cashman's brilliantly brokered deals for Javier Vasquez, and the love affair ended. So, if he ends up anywhere, I'd rather it be as Carlos Delgado's replacement with the Mets and not the soon-to-be-slaughtered-in-a-dark-field-behind-Logan-Airport, Big Papi's.

Mark DeRosa - EVERYWHERE, Indians: .242 BA, 6 HR, 25 RBI

DeRosa is off to a slow start this year, but, when given the chance to start, he's been relatively consistent. He's another name that's been lurching around the Mets front office, and could put his skills to use in place of the aforementioned Delgado, among every other fucking infielder rumored to be traded. So don't take stock in what you hear, he'll probably end up in Boston. He fits Theo's type: white and...well, white.

Aubrey Huff - 1B/3B/DH, Orioles: .273 BA, 7 HR, 34 RBI

Joba Chamberlain's favorite doppelganger is once again on the block, and his stock has risen a lot higher since this time last season. Huff has pop, and a glove, and when healthy, can be a great addition to any team (note to Boston: he's super-white!). Huff is also interested in improv and clubhouse hilarity, two other aspects those cockbags from Boston love to incorporate.

Jake Peavy - RHP, Padres: 3-5, 3.82 ERA, 69 K's

Three years removed from the Padres last playoff berth and two years removed from his 2007 N.L. Cy Young season, Peavy can still deal, but has had zero help from the team's offense, aside from Adrian Gonzalez's tightly groomed mustache and bat. There will be suitors lining up for Peavy's services, just like over there were over the winter. But this time if Padres General Manager Josh Towers wants to broker a deal, he has to stop asking for the owning rights of the Beatles entire collection and a sex marathon with Bar Refaeli. Leo don't play that shit, son.

Roy Halladay - RHP, Blue Jays: 8-1, 2.78 ERA, 57 K's

Unless J.P. Riccardi wants a legion of beret wearing Canucks cramming croissants up his Pizano ass, he better leave this one alone. Halladay is the best pitcher in the American League, if not all of baseball (ohhhhhh!), so if for some brain-damaged reason Riccardi did decide to move him, he would command a King's ransom and a better piece than Phillip Humber in return.

Matt Holliday - OF, Athletics: .268 BA, 5 HR, 26 RBI

While in New York earlier this season, Holliday mentioned that he would definitely consider playing for the Yankees (knowing what kind of bounty the Steinbrenner twins pay, who their right fucking mind wouldn't?). But I'm personally not sold on this guy - his splits scream Coors Field Hero. Fuck him, why not wait and see if Jason Bay hits the market this offseason?

Creepy Comparison #73: The Weak Chin Edition

2009-05-20T17:15:00.001-04:00

There aren't many shows on television today worth my inestimable time, because most of them are either bullshit reality shows featuring collagen-filled women bitching about there wealthy, in-the-closet husbands, sappy dramas centered around unlikable cookie-cut characters that I would rather see beaten with a fire hose than relate to, or comedies that make "Homeboys in Space" look like fucking "All in the Family".

Then there's, "Rescue Me". If you don't watch it - watch it. It's worth 42 minutes of your life. It's got everything: comedy, drama, sex, and excessive use of profanity. On the left is actor John Scurti, who plays firehouse lieutenant Kenny "Lou" Shea. He's fat, cynical, and worldly, something every show needs. On the right is Nationals first basemen Nick Johnson, who's been injured more times than Washington's entire roster. They share a love of weak chins and mustaches. I marvel at weak chins and mustaches. You should too.

God's Gift to Mankind Returns

2009-05-20T09:34:00.006-04:00

**Mimicking high-pitched woman's voice** Oh my God, what are we going to do, Mark Teixeira is hitting below the Mendoza line! Call a Psychologist! Call a Paranormalist! Get someone in here to fix this man!

(clears throat)

What...did...I...fucking...tell...you? Did I or did I not specifically say that the best is yet to come for Mark Teixeira? How do I get it throw that testicle-sized brain of yours? Do I need to announce it while having sex with your wife in front of your entire extended family during a Father's Day BBQ? Will that get your fucking attention? How about if I interrupt your precious lunch-time hamburger, huh? What if I pop my head in front of that delicious cheeseburger, dripping so lusciously with pickle juice, onions and ketchup, and remind you of my preseason proclamation? Maybe I'll also take that burger and cram it up your morbidly-obese-asshole just to make sure you get the fucking point.

(tears shirt off, rat-tails Mike Vaccaro in eye)

What you're going to see next - my performance from now until September - will not only shock you, but it may kill you. Seriously. Dead. Dead as Michael Kay's brain. This especially goes for you fat-boy's with the titties that poke through your white polo shirts. Which is gross, by the way. How the fuck could a man let himself get so fat that he grows titties?

(is reminded by a member of the media that A-Rod's nickname was "Bitch-Tits")

Oh that's right...I forgot about that. Well, if that guy keeps hitting home runs at the rate he's hitting them at now, I guess everyone can have tits - men, women, children. Tits for everyone!

(tears undershirt off, simultaneously impregnates women in audience)

Delgado Done, Bring Out the Freaks

2009-05-19T09:34:00.004-04:00

Now that Carlos Delgado's ~~steroid abuse~~ career has finally caught up with him, how will the Mets continue their first place success? Can they insert Fernando Tatis (hopefully he still has the contract he obtained from Satan last year for selling his soul) or Gary Sheffield into the lineup on an every day basis and still be a successful team? If you ask this guy, adding Gary Sheffield to a lineup is like adding salt to an already corroded piece of metal, or sticking your fingers down your throat after you've already vomited several times over, but what the fuck do I know?

Since AK has been on an unpaid vacation - probably living off of Uncle Walt's fruitful teet, and has yet to write a 4,000 word essay on David Murphy's pregame talcum powder application - I want to know what other Mets fans have to say. Is the team better off without Delgado, a guy who seems to hit more valleys than peaks and has the same emotional state as a 40 year-old unmarried woman? Or is the prospect of having Tatis or Sheffield out there every day just too much to handle?

Creepy Comparison #72: White Boyz

2009-05-18T09:22:00.004-04:00

There aren't many people out there that have seen the movie, "White Boyz", mainly because it's in the top 5 for worst movies in the history of film, and it's never on TV before 1am, and the only channel that plays it is Starz Black. The movie is a stupid concept about three wiggers from Iowa, reinforced by terrible acting, namely the lead part, Danny Hoch. You may know Hoch from such other pieces of shit as, "Russell Simmons Presents: Def Poetry" or "Bamboozled". And while he did have bit parts in "Black Hawk Down" and "We Own the Night", he deserved them as much as I deserve to throw out the first pitch in this year's World Series. Hoch is a huge fucking loser. If you want to really, really hate someone after seeing them just once on screen, watch "White Boyz" it will make you want to drive screwdrivers into your eye sockets.

And since Blue Jays Scott Richmond resembles Hoch, I can no longer watch the Jays when he's on the bump. It's uncanny, thus forcing me to concentrate all my thoughts on how many different ways I would strangle him with a coat hanger.

Iron Man Wants to Know Gory Details, Dammit!

2009-05-15T14:07:00.006-04:00

I went to college in Baltimore. At one point, after having my electricity turned off and getting evicted from my apartment, I was forced to move into a house with five full-blown, die-hard Orioles fans. And not your run of the mill fans, either. They honestly believed that Cal Ripken Jr. was one of the top 3 baseball players EVER. Ever as in, "the history of the sport we know as baseball". The Babe, Mays, then Cal. I'm as serious as Brett Myers fucking eyebrows.

Now, I understand their obsession with the man. He was good - great even - but after this mornings sports reads, I'll never understand why he decided he wants to get to the bottom of A-Rod's steroid use (link to story, here).

Why does Ripken care? Better yet, why would he want to know the details of one shady motherfuckers foray into the world of PED's? If I were acquaintances with A-Rod, and decided to have a heart-to-heart with him over some Old Bay slathered crabs, I know for sure that my interest would disintegrate the minute Alex started to describe the first time he had his cousin inject him with a syringe in some alleyway in the Dominican Republic. Gross. And creepy. Creepy gross.

My advice to Mr. Do-Gooder Ripken is leave it alone, buddy. Stay as far away as possible. Stick to building Little League fields and being cold toward your deathly loyal fanbase. And, oh yeah, watch out for that Kevin Costner, he's one sneaky bitch.

Creepy Comparison #71: Hilarity

2009-05-15T09:34:00.005-04:00

*thanks to LB for the heads up on these two striking gentlemen

Remember the TV show "Blossom"? The show about the fat girl who wore gay hats and kept company with a whorish best friend, a deadbeat dad who plowed through all the neighborhood women, a senile grandfather, a retarded brother, and another brother who was homeless or some shit? Remember how popular the retarded brother got? See the picture on the right, Joey Lawrence. I was in middle school when this show started its path to mediocrity, and I remember all of the girls sweating that zany Joey. And it really pissed me off. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been wearing those green Levi 560's or that Jets starter jacket, so I really have nobody to blame but myself.

Over there on the left is none other than the hilarious clubhouse prankster Nick Swisher. What makes Swisher even more funny is hearing someone like Jon Miller verbally masturbate over how Swish "loosens up the clubhouse". Say it seven more times, Jon, I don't think I heard you the first fifty, your creepy grunting and moaning was getting in the way...

Charlie Hustle Knows What's Worse

2009-05-14T10:38:00.006-04:00

You know who and what I hate besides tourists, religious zealots, raisins and Boston? I hate Pete Rose. Yes, I said it. I hate Charlie fucking Hustle. Fuck him and his dick haircut and prominent lower jaw. And fuck his opinions too. He take his precious opinions and ram them up his Floridian-sun-tanned ass.

How did this hatred come to pass? Well, after reading snippets from a recent interview with Rose, I wanted to puke. Then I wanted to scream. Then I wanted to thrust my head through a bay window. Because I can't stand when assholes like Pete are asked simple questions, and then have to throw their rusted two cents in to make sure everyone remembers that they're not the real fucking enemy.

Case in point, when recently asked by a reporter about A-Rod's Hall of Fame chances, Rose responded with this retardy:

"I'm willing to give a guy a second chance," said Rose, who added that he thinks steroid use is a more egregious wrongdoing than being a manager and wagering on his own team "because [steroid use] can have a direct impact on the outcome of a game," the News wrote.

First of all, douchebag, he hasn't had a first chance. He tested positive for steroids. He's still playing. He hasn't been banned from the game, unlike some other OTB-loving-dickhead I know. There's no need for a second chance/reinstatement. And you cannot decide whether a player deserves to be in the HOF until after he retires. You can speculate, you can assume, but you cannot decide. Remember this while you untuck your gigantic head from your asshole.

Second of all, the fact that you really think a manager who wagers on his own team is less harmful to the game makes you one of the stupidest human beings on the planet. You should be paraded around the country in a cage like a sideshow freak so people can witness you're lack of intelligence. And I am no condoning steroid use, because yes, steroids did hurt baseball, but betting on games that you have a direct hand in is similar to point-shaving, and is equally as bad! There's no scale here. No one's putting together a chart that decides which offense is worse. As much as you would like to justify your case, and at the same time, villainize the likes of A-Rod, Manny, Shoeless Joe and every other rule offender, it will never convince anyone that has any sort of logic pulsing through their brain.

Creepy Comparison #70 - Career Crossroads

2009-05-13T19:03:00.005-04:00

It's rare to find two major league players who look or act alike, since they're always trying to outdue one another in in the, "I'm an indivdual, look at my lime-green pinstripe Armani suit with matching nearly-extinct rhinosaurus bone cufflinks!" department. But Scott Rolen and Jake Peavy fit the bill.

Unfortunately for one, beneficial for the other, their current teams and roles are far apart at the moment. Rolen is enjoying a career ressurgance with the Blue Jays, almost four years after his career died due to ~~steroid~~ injury complications. Peavy is stuck out in San Diego thousands of miles from the comfort of his duck blind in Alabama, busy porking plump college co-eds from S.D. State and wishing he could clone Adrian Gonzalez, minus the rapist mustache.

Papi's Support Group

2009-05-13T09:28:00.007-04:00

When one on my friends or colleagues is in a slump, whether it's with work, women, whatever, I send him text messages. I make sure to send him plenty of them. Only, unlike the bleeding heart babies of major league baseball, mine usually include a few, "I bet your boss is just figuring out how to fire you", or "walk into oncoming traffic", or "God doesn't like you because you're secretly gay".

But not David Ortiz's support group. No, they're helping him through these tough times by sending him encouraging text messages, and words of wisdom. Hmm, I wonder, before Ortiz began plugging 12 inch syringes into his fat ass, do you think these guys were around, pulling for him to go from a guy who couldn't hit a righty if he tossed underhand, to one of the most feared sluggers in baseball?

I'm just saying, or speculating, or both. But grow-the-fuck-up, support groups are for drug addicts and 13-year-old fucking girls. Send him a message about his bitch-tits and go have sex with some groupies, hopefully regaining some of your lost manhood in the process.

When in Doubt, Make Some Noise

2009-05-12T09:47:00.005-04:00

Roger Clemens is once again under the scrutiny of the public eye, and not just for those super-gay frosted tips and douchetastic golf visor. The crack team that makes up The Daily News "sports investigation team*" is set to release yet another book - "American Icon" on how many times Brian Macnamee ~~drank Miller Lite's~~ stuck needles in Roger's ass.

Clemens' latest defense has to do with the fact that physically, his body could not handle the effects of PED's, because heart problems run in his family. He references that his brother had a heart attack in his 40's, and his step-father died from a heart attack. He forgot to mention that he was flooded with his step-father's blood at an early age to fuse that gap that's caused when a son rebels against his remarried mother.

But seriously, who out there actually believes, after the outings of A-Rod and Manny, that Clemens didn't do steroids? Not only is there suggestive proof, but he's thrown everyone under the bus that is even remotely connected to him, instead of admitting it and trying to save face. But no bother, because the bigger question is, does anyone really care about this shit anymore?

*I picture this "crack team" to actually be a bunch of old, overweight men in short-sleeved button-down shirts, sitting in the basement of a local YMCA, smoking Camel Lights and lobbing out bullshit retread ideas for a book concept, but actually believing that they're about to top the literary genius of, "Ulysses".

They're Back?

2009-05-11T09:15:00.003-04:00

I laughed them off after the first week of the regular season like a drunk laughing off approaching headlights as he lounges along the double yellow line. And I'm sure all fans of other teams in the American League East did the same. But now, after as many as 34 games played, could the Toronto Blue Jays not be the mark that I was suspecting them to be?

I'm going to be honest here, the Jays make me nervous. They have the greatest right-handed pitcher in baseball. They have Scott Downs and what is probably the most underrated bullpen in baseball. They have a seemingly endless supply of pitching prospects able to provide quality start after quality start. They have longtime prospects like Adam Lind finally delivering. They are pretty much the complete opposite of the New York Yankees.

(sobs uncontrollably into blanket)

Now, I don't want the Blue Jays to succeed. For all I care, those French-Fucks can go disappear into the Canadian wilderness. But, I do get a sense of satisfaction when I go back and read through certain "writers" offseason "grades" for the Jays. Many of them assumed that by not adding any player of significant value, they were doomed. I always enjoy the shortcomings of so-called "experts" that actually know less about how a front-office works than I do about the history of Crochet. But I am a little jittery about the team's run. So to satisfy my worries, I'm quietly banking on a colossal three-man collision involving Marco Scutaro, Aaron Hill, and what's formerly known as Scott Rolen's shoulder. Hopefully that will end this charade, if it is a charade at all...

The Girardi Watch

2009-05-08T12:55:00.004-04:00

Rock Bottom: Straw the broke the camel's back - The Great Mariano gives up back to back shots. Joltin' Joe better start packing his shit up.

3 MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT

Let the Healing Begin, And the Ignorance Dissipate

2009-05-08T10:31:00.004-04:00

Now that Manny Ramirez has been formally outted from the steroids/PED's/bitch-tit-medication closet, it's safe to say that the unblemished and celebrated 2004 Red Sox team had themselves some blemishes, because if you believe he started using on the Dodgers, than you should wrap your ignorant lips around a FedEx truck's tailpipe. It was only a matter of time before the ESPN custom-built ivory tower that held the lovable and blue-collar Boston Red Sox franchise came crumbling the fuck down. I may sound satisfied by this. Well, I am, but only a little bit. Not because a player who was a major catalyst on the 2004 team has been implicated and suspended, but more so because some truth will finally surface, punching those cocky, shocked, gasping faces from Boston right in the fucking mouth, forcing them to realize that the game was tainted for over a decade, on all facets. Their team, their players, and their dream season was no exception. And you know what, I hope it makes not just Sox fans realize, but everyone realize that the game was infected, for a long time, and everyone is suspect.

When the Mitchell report came out, the amount of shit being spouted at Yankees fans by Red Sox supporters not only made me sick, but also made me question the validity of said people's baseball intelligence. Did these people honestly think that no one on the Red Sox Championship roster was juicing during their run? Really? That kind of logic baffles me. How about Trot Nixon, who hit 79 home runs from 2001-2003, but then never hit more than 15 and was out of baseball four years later at the age of 34. And how about Mark Bellhorn? He slugged 27 home runs in 2002, another 17 in 2004, and then disappeared (with his two-sided batting helmet) after the 2005 crackdown on steroids. And then there's the white whale, David Ortiz, a guy who three seasons ago hit 54 home runs, and now, at age 33, has yet to hit 1 through 100 at bats.

I don't get off on speculating. Actually, I'm usaully one to shun it. But what I'm trying to point out is, the quicker we find out who is clean and who is dirty, the easier it will be for ~~me to win arguments while drunk in a bar with dickhead stubborn fans~~ everyone to finally accept that the sport went through very, very harsh times. But we're in healing mode now. It's sort of like being in abusive relationship - right now, with names like Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez being linked, we're finally seeing the approaching blue and red lights from police cars coming to whisk away to freedom.

And The Wall Came Crumbling Down

2009-05-07T11:45:00.010-04:00

The untouchable man, the man everyone said is clean, has been touched. According to the Los Angeles Times, Manny Ramirez is facing a 50 game suspension for allegedly testing positive for performance-enhancing drugs.

I was part of the army that was sure Manny was a freak, a natural, someone who didn't need an illegal advantage to succeed and dominate. Apparently, I was wrong. Now, the only question left is: Who's Next? Albert Pujols, Jim Thome, Ken Griffey, Vladimir Guerrero, Carlos Delgado, Andruw Jones, David Ortiz?

It's turned into a crapshoot. Line up a handful of superstar names from the 1990-2008 era, spin around in a dozen circles, then point a finger. It's destined to land on, or near, a name of someone who will eventually be linked to steroids or PED's. Blah, blah, blah, my childhood's ruined, this sucks...Yeah, we all hear a lot of that. But what's more important is, who gets to go to the Hall? What if 90% of baseball was doing PED's? Then do the banned now get accepted?

HowGirardi Manages the Yankees Bullpen

2009-05-07T10:17:00.009-04:00

(strikes out the side, keeping game tied)

(lets up back to back home runs, throws 4 wild pitches)

(walks 2, lets up 2 singles, 3 doubles, hits 7 batters, throws a ball into the opposing dugout)

(throws a 96 mph down the middle, watches ball go 546 feet to center, breaks down in tears, rolls around in mound dirt, sobs uncontrollably)

(shits pants, demotes self to AAA Wilkes-Scranton)

(walks 9, continues to throw backdoor sliders on 3-0 counts)

(lets up 4 consecutive doubles, then strikes out the side with series of dominate changeups)

....

....

/thinks positively

UPDATE - Dump Joe!

2009-05-06T14:56:00.001-04:00

More Joe Girardi bashing here.

Outta Here, Joe

2009-05-06T09:16:00.006-04:00

Call me a cynic, call me a traitor, call me whatever the fuck you want, but I want Joe Girardi gone. Fired. 86'd. He sucks and he's a coward. And having a coward at the helm of your team is like going to war with a water pistol - a bad idea. The Red Sox have thoroughly pounded the Yankees into submission already, and it's only 5 games into their 18 game set. But they own us. Watching the game, you feel like it would be a miracle if the Yankees pulled one out. The Red Sox fans have this bubbling confidence that seems oddly familiar. Before Girardi took over, and even after the '04 collapse with Torre in charge, THAT WAS HOW US YANKEES FANS FELT!

Pulling Joba last night in the 6th after he retired 8 in a row on strikeouts because of a fucking pitch count was the last fucking straw. Premature, you say? I disagree. Why wait? What sort of managerial traits has he shown that are positive? Girardi has to go. Not only am I sick of the way he misuses the bullpen (Albababababababadajo in the 8th, really?), I'm sick of his pussy attitude toward everything. Complaining about the A-Rod book and saying, "enough is enough" was just plain gay. It will never be enough with the media, so just pass on the question. Don't get hormonal and start whining like a bitch, just ignore it, because it's never going away! Throw in Girardi's weird adulation for Brett Gardner and Cody Ransom, and it's enough to make me want to plunge several fingers down my fucking esophagus.

Now I'm the one saying enough is enough. Promote Tony Pena, or hire someone with a set, and let's fucking win some goddamn games.

The Secret to Greinke's Success

2009-05-05T10:10:00.011-04:00

The baseball world is enthralled by the sudden dominance of Kansas City Royals pitcher Zach Greinke. And rightfully so, Greinke is thoroughly punishing opposition each time he takes the bump. So what's the secret to Greinke's transformation from anxious, depressed sky's-the-limit prospect, to dominate Ace on the upswing?

I assume his remedy goes something like this*:

.20 mg of Prozac

.50 mg of Zoloft

.25 mg of Xanax

1/5 of Jack Daniels

1 gm of cocaine

2 huffs of model glue

Add this up and it equals: 6-0, 0.40 ERA, 54 K's, 0.84 WHIP, and 2 Complete Game Shutouts

*Yes, I am fully aware that taunting and laughing at the sick gives you a first class ticket to hell...

It Must Run in the Family

2009-05-04T21:37:00.003-04:00

If you're older than 40, and selling Meth is your primary source of income, then you have some serious life issues to ponder. Someone needs to tell that to Joba Chamberlain's mother, who was arrested for apparently selling Crystal Meth to an undercover cop.

When you look at the whole scope of the issue, it's kind of depressing (and hilarious), especially because it wasn't a flashy drug like coke, or a cool drug like weed, or a trendy drug like Oxycodone. It's fucking meth. It makes your teeth fall out. It makes you lose weight. It gives you severe diarrhea. It makes you give handjobs to homeless men in dark alleyways and under highway offramps. In short, Meth is some bad shit.

Now, I wonder who's situation is worse, Joba's, or Dustin Pedroia's? Personally, I'm taking the rock-slinging mom over the pedophile brother, but hey, I guess it's a matter of preference.

When in Doubt, Send to the DL

2009-05-04T10:21:00.004-04:00

Chalk this one up as a win for the good guys: Damaso Marte is headed to the DL. Who celebrates things like this? I do. Why? Because Marte is a fucking waste of gold-shavings-filled Yankees Stadium Clubhouse airspace. He was nothing short of terrible last season after arriving in the Bronx, and since he received his mind-numbingly retarded three-year contract from GM Fat Boy and Co., he has been even worse.

A few Yankee fans I know believed - prior to the injury - that the team should let Marte pitch through his woes. And by "woes", I mean, "complete and utter disgrace to pitching, his family, and Jesus fucking Christ". I thought this was a terrible idea. Sort of like asking a trust-fund child to assault a 6'5'' angry black man. Thankfully, there will be no severe beatings in the near future, that is, until Chien-Ming Wang returns from the brainwash room in "A Clockwork Orange".

Friday Movie Matinee

2009-05-01T14:53:00.002-04:00

Although I can't find my favorite clip from, "State of Grace" - the fight on the Westside Highway with the Italians by the Intrepid, this scene gets it done. Gary Oldman was a maniac, is a maniac, and will always be a maniac. This clip - like the many from "True Romance" - helps support the claim.

Canseco Wants to Hit the Mats

2009-05-01T09:29:00.007-04:00

Jose Canseco is sick of not failing at more things in life. He's already worked his way out of professional baseball, had sexual relations with Madonna before she popped out two kids, turned his back on each relationship he developed during his 17 pro seasons, had his home foreclosed on, lost all his money, and got his ass handed to him in his only attempt at boxing.

So, what's next?

Oh, just another foray into the world of combat sports. That's right, Canseco's going to test the MMA waters.

Now, I'm not a fan of MMA to begin with, I prefer boxing. Think it's old fashioned? Fuck you. Think I should, "get with the times"? Go choke on a dick. But I will definitely watch this hulking, orange-skinned asshole get pummeled by some college kid from Santa Monica who specializes in Kempo.

This inevitable beating is Canseco's destiny. It may even get me to appreciate the sport a bit more...Oh wait, I won't, never will, and generally don't care, but fuck it, I want to see a bloodbath!

Swine Flu Alert in The Bronx

2009-04-30T18:00:00.000-04:00

Guess Who's (Almost) Back?

2009-04-30T10:00:00.010-04:00

Remember all the guys you knew in high school who did steroids? Their backs looked like a satellite shot of the moon and they often times physically attacked teachers and threatened to strangle them in front of the whole class (or was this just my school?)...Well, I do. And apparently, according to more leaked details from Selena Roberts' book, Alex Rodriguez was hitting the sauce - hard - back in high school, too.

These accusations surprise me about as much as A-Rod coming out of the closet. And I've also because become numb to the whole situation. But I am expecting Judgment Day type consequences when A-Rod returns to the lineup. It's going to be like the end of the original, "Ghostbusters", where Rick Moranis gets possessed by a dog and fucks Sigourney Weaver, and then the guys have to climb 100 flights of stairs to go and fight Zool. The pavement shreds, the sky goes dark, and the fucking Marshmallow Man destroys St. Patrick's Cathedral. At least that's how I envision it. Except minus the comedic timing of Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis and Bill Murray. And more blond frosted tips. And more "Gay-Rod" implications.

But it's all typical New York Yankees/media bullshit. Just when it seems as though the team is putting it all together, pitching and hitting well (minus Jonathan Alababababababdajeo), you-know-who has to shuffle back into the spotlight and fuck some chemistry up. At this point, I wish there was an easy solution to the impending distraction. Why can't Alex Rodriguez take a late-night ride over the GWB, find his way to Secaucus, and disappear into the weeds? Would you be upset if he never returned? I know I wouldn't be. The Yankees would go out and trade for a replacement player - one with significantly less emotional/psychological baggage - and life would go on. But no, A-Rod has to prance his way back into the clubhouse, smiling like an asshole, mispronouncing words, and missing every 2-2 slider he meets...Goddamn this is going to suck.

Fuck it, I'm rooting for the Jersey scenario...

Meet Mark Melancon

2009-04-29T10:27:00.013-04:00

They call him "Joba 2", mainly because "they" are "retarded". But the team's brass, and a set of wildly ignorant fans, are hoping Mark Melancon is a stud closer in waiting. While this is a tall order to fill (Sorry all, but for every Mariano Rivera there are twenty Danys Baez's), I'm relatively certain that Melancon is going to help the Yankees bullpen - mostly because their bullpen is shittier than the toilets at the Port Authority bus station.

So, seeing that we are all unfamiliar with Melancon and his background, let's take a moment to learn more about the Yankees newest reliever.

Name: Mark D. Melancon
Born: March 28, 1985 in Wheat Ridge, CO, US
Throws/Bats: Right, Right

Fast Facts:

Do not look Mark Melancon in the eyes. He sees it as a threat and a challenge.

Do not climb a tree if chased by Mark Melancon. He can climb faster than you. And he carries a grappling hook.

After spending his childhood locked to a faux-pitcher's mound inside an abandoned airplane hangar in Colorado, his skin has become partially translucent. What you see on his body is a mask and body-suit designed by NASA.

His facial hair is finer than silk, and if ingested, more deadly than a Japanese Puffer Fish.

He does not enjoy comparison's to Joba Chamberlain. He prefers Jesus Christ.

Mark killed his first Grizzly at the age of 12. He killed his first insurgent threat at the age of 15. He killed his first Kei Igawa at the age of 24.

He throws 17 different pitches, include 8 unpronounceable by people speaking the English Language.

While at AAA Scranton, he used his index finger to correct Phil Hughes' vision.

Return of the Prodigal Son

2009-04-28T17:36:00.003-04:00

Round 3 of the Phil Hughes experiment begins in a little over an hour. Should we expect lofty statistics? No. No we should not. I predict a stat line that reads:

5.2 IP, 7H, 4ER, 4 K's.

Flashy? No. But efficient? Yes. Because that is what a 5 starter needs to be - efficient. I'm not asking for a world-beater, I'm just asking for a guy that can keep the fucking floodgates closed for a little over half-a-game. Hopefully I am setting the bar low, to quite low. But taking into account my ability to jinx situations, it could end up being a slaughter.

Roles Reversed?

2009-04-28T10:08:00.009-04:00

I am king of the camp that crowed for Joba Chamberlain to be a starter in the Yankees rotation. I love dominate starting pitching. I think Joba can be dominate. He's shown flashes of being dominate. In time - he's only 23 - he may turn into an Ace. He has all the tools, now all he needs is the experience.

But...

Let's say Phil Hughes comes up and pitches serviceable, starting tonight. Then he strings off 4-5 quality starts. Then, let's say Chien-Ming Wang returns in a a couple of weeks or so, works out the "kinks", and gets his stuff and his velocity back. If all of these pieces fall into place, then should the Yankees move Joba back to the bullpen?

It's time the Yankees face the facts - there isn't much of a choice anymore. With Bruney on the disabled list, Damaso Marte shoveling dirt at a record pace, Jose Veras pitching like a drunk little leaguer, Edwar Ramirez throwing mediocre shit on his best nights, Phil Coke on-again off-again Jekyll and Hyde routine, and the enigma that is Mark Melancon, there isn't much of a bullpen to work with. Now, Joba wouldn't have helped win any games this past weekend - those losses were caused by a higher, unfair fucking power - but he may have helped define roles on Saturday, when it seemed like Joe Girardi was blindly spinning on his heels and randomly pointing at a members of his bullpen to go into the game.

Who knows, who cares, right? After all, it's April. But should a move be made now, before things get even more out of control? Does Girardi do it to save his job? As I said earlier, I've always been a, "Joba as a starter", kind of guy. Now? I'm not too sure...

The Girardi Watch

2009-04-27T20:47:00.003-04:00

Swept at Fenway...?

5 MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT

The Drubbing

2009-04-27T09:53:00.004-04:00

Comeback win, starting with a game tying home run in the bottom of the 9th: check
Walk off home run: check
Overcoming a 6 run deficit after 4 innings: check
Scoring 25 runs over a three game series: check
Steal home: check

The only thing left for Boston to do is collectively screw their wives, pour acid in their eyes, and kill all of their dogs with a shovel, because everything else demoralizing and humiliating was already accomplished.

The Yankees performance this weekend was fucking pitiful. I felt like I was watching someone punch my mom in the face over and over again. Joe Girardi was continually overmatched, and showed he is in no way ready to compete, let alone compete for a playoff spot. Each time the Yankees had a leg up on the Sox, Boston laid out a perfectly executed chop-block to take said leg out. The games may have seemed close, but they weren't. I had more fun watching the lady-friend run a half-marathon while the sun baked my Southern Irish skin in the 5,000 degree sun in Central Park surrounded by sweaty Euro-trash. The Yankees bullpen is as reliable as a recovering drug addict on vacation alone in Thailand.

And something needs to be done fast to fix this problem (a trade, perhaps?), because my fucking heart cannot take this shit anymore, and I'm not even 30 yet! Please, go out and get some bullpen help. I don't know what it's going to take for the Yankees to realize that Jose Veras, Damaso Marte, and Edwar Ramirez are not the answer. A blown 15 run lead? A blown 17 run lead? JUST GO OUT AND TRADE FOR SOMEONE BEFORE I HAVE A HEART ATTACK!

/ashamed

Friday Movie Matinee

2009-04-24T12:09:00.006-04:00

Everyone knows and revels this epic scene from "True Romance". It's one of the best ever. Fuck the end of Citizen Kane, I'm taking this one any day of the week. Between Christopher Walken's delivery, Dennis Hopper's story, and even James Gandolfini's weird smirk, there's no way to describe just how fucking pants-shitting amazing it is. But it's been posted a million times on a million blogs, so here's another scene, featuring the best character in the entire movie, Drexel, played by Gary Oldman.

God's Gift to Mankind Talks About His First Series in Fenway

2009-04-24T09:50:00.005-04:00

Yeah, I get it, the Red Sox fans are planning to shower me with boos and hisses like a bunch of fat, menstruating teenage girls watching cheerleading practice. The Sox fans want to rock Fenway with howls of discontent and make sure that I know how displeased they are with my offseason actions. Well, you know what I say? I say good. Boo your chapped clam-chowder asses off. Why don't you throw some D batteries at me too, just for good measure? But you better make sure you kill me with them, because if not, I'm throwing them back. And for just reference, which one of us has pinpoint accuracy and two golden glove awards? Oh that's right, me, the guy who used your team as a fucking pawn to squeeze some more change out of those two shitbags running the show in the Bronx.

(licks palm)
(slaps Hank Steinbrenner in the back of head)
(pumps fist in response to crowd's cheers)

I had zero allegiance to those six combined states of douchebagery. Zero. A big fat rotund one, like your zero of a mom. By the way is she still bagging groceries at Pathmark at getting railed by that science teacher at your old high school? Pshhh, what a loser. You must be ashamed. You should go walk in front of a train.

(flexes arms)
(media takes 7,000 pictures)

I can't help it if the Yankees wanted me more. They pay like men, not like old women trying to haggle down the price of a used La-Z-Boy at a flea market. I asked for big money, the Yankees delivered. I asked their brass to give me enough money to use $20 bills as kindling for my six story fireplace, and they gave it to me. I asked their brass to give me enough money to top the net-worth of Uzbekistan, and they gave it to me. Old Theo tried to sell me on the Red Sox "pride" and "nation" that comes along with being part of the team. Please, if I wanted that shit in return for my services, I would have joined a tribe of Native Americans, or better yet, a fucking cult. What does he think, I'm stupid or something? I went to Yale. Twice. When I was eleven. So you take that shit back to Bunker Hill, and I'll see you tonight in Fenway...with my gun.

(snaps fingers)
(disappears)

Return of the Rivalry

2009-04-23T09:53:00.004-04:00

With this weekend's Yankees vs. Red Sox series breaching the horizon, fans have to wonder what's going to happen between the two fat boys from each team on Friday night. No, I'm not talking about the lifeless that is Big Papi or the earned-run machine that is CC, I'm talking about Joba and Youk. I'm talking about whether or not Youkilis is leaving Fenway with a dent in his forehead, or if someone is finally going to stand up for the guy I love to hate.

But there has to be more to it. I can't see Joba hating the guy for being a cocky, ump-arguing, giant-headed nerd who probably has a minimal amount of friends. Oh wait, yes I can. Regardless, I ask the question: Why does Joba want to decapitate Kevin Youkilis.

Here are the only possible answers I could come up with:

Joba hates corny facial hair
Joba hates Jews
Joba hates gigantic grapefruit-on-a-toothpick heads
Joba hates anyone fatter than he is
Joba hates people presumed to be Greek
Joba hates the praise of Billy Beane

If you have a better reason for Joba's unbridled hatred, feel free to chime in. But I'm pretty sure it's bullet number two, though. Those Native Americans have a lot to be fucking bitter about, regardless if it was an Englishman or a Jewish man that coughed smallpox all over their face and/or extended family. I know if I were of the Native American ancestry would personally hate everyone who didn't drink rubbing alcohol, collect white man's scalps, ride horses bareback, and grow their hair long and flowing*.

*blatantly racist

Cole Hamels: "Sorry For Not Giving A Sh*t"

2009-04-22T13:30:00.004-04:00

It's soooo easy to hate Cole Hamels. On top of the fact that he plays for a team in Philadelphia (strike 1), his name is 'Cole' and he always walks around with that douchey smirk on his face (strike 2), and is a pretty talented pitcher that throws for my team's arch rival (strike 3, yer out!).

But, apparently, he doesn't give a shit about baseball anymore. See for yourself...

I don't wish pain, injury or misfortune on anyone, but when it just happens on it's own I don't think it's THAT wrong to enjoy it, right?

When in Doubt, Add Political Minded A**Hole

2009-04-22T09:27:00.004-04:00

Do you enjoy someone screaming monotonically in your face? Do you like staring at a large rectangle shaped head that's over-sized and topped off with a douchetastic pair of glasses, fit only for someone who knows his shit smells better than yours? Do you like politics mixed in with your sports, reminding you that there are people out there who fanatically follow a "sport" where there is no chance of a walk-off, a Hail Mary, or a knockout?

Neither do I. And thankfully, we won't be seeing Mr. Keith Olbermann. That's left to the poor bastards who watch "Countdown". But MLB Blogs did hire him to write three times a week. He's dubbed as a "baseball nerd". While I agree with the "nerd" part, I can't say I'm excited to hear what Keith has to say about the fucking Pirates Farm System. But I'm sure he'll stick to the really in-depth and hard-hitting stuff, like steroids, overpaid players, and Barry Bonds.

I guess they missed my application...Bastards.

The Saga Continues

2009-04-21T17:27:00.005-04:00

Denying Boston some Wang could be a good thing, seeing that there are already a ton of Wangs (or dickheads, perhaps?) to go around in the greater Beantown area, already. And seeing Wang get blown up in front of a bunch of drunken Massholes would only sink the poor bastard into an even deeper funk.

But is it a smart move in the long run?

While it definitely gives the Yankees brass and coaches more time to delay the inevitable - whether it's a demotion to the bullpen or a quality comeback start - this could mean an even stiffer blow to our Thai friend's morale. But let's not forget that in recent history, there have been several Yankee pitchers who have started off poorly and made a serious comeback (Moose 2008 anyone?), although none of them looked as epically shitty as Wang has thus far.

Overall, I say good move. Give the man some time to rehash his abysmal showings - watching highlights of yourself getting shelled over and over again never hurt anyone, right? And If he comes back next week and implodes, then it's time to get the Phil Hughes express warmed-up - three years and running, by the way!

Ozzie Guillen's Stupidity Strikes Again

2009-04-21T09:27:00.005-04:00

Let's play the hypothetical game here for a moment. Let's pretend that you just left a team that you legitimately underachieved for. But the underachievement wasn't all your fault. You were miscast, batted out of place in the lineup, and butted heads with the manager. Then let's say you leave this team for a new team in the offseason, via trade. On this new team, your old talents and motivations return. You start off the season as one of the hottest hitters in baseball. You then - in the midst of enjoying a sweet two weeks of baseball - tell a second-rate hometown news rag that your new manager is your favorite ever. Now let's say, your manager from your last team is insulted, and decides to make a comment, because he is absolutely, positively unable to keep his broken-English spewing, fat-fucking-mouth shut. How would you feel?

Well, ask Nick Swisher, because he will forever have this bumbling retard of a manager from Chicago following his quotes in any newspaper they appear in.

Now, my hatred for Ozzie is beyond shallow - in no way is it attributed to the defense of Nick Swisher. I've always hated him. I hated him in his playing days, and I especially hate him now. I don't think there's anything good about having a manager that runs his mouth and responds to dumb shit written 1500 miles away without prompt. He's an asshole. He's a puckered, goateed asshole. I hope he goes on vacation in the Philippines and disappears. If he is never quoted again, it would still be too much for my precious ears to handle. Just hearing his name makes me want to ignite TNT next to my eardrums so I will never have to hear such spewing nonsense for the rest of my deaf life.

So, is Nick Swisher to blame for Ozzie's comments? No, because who the fuck cares who Nick Swisher says is his favorite manager of all-time? What is this, fucking 5th grade? Is former Oakland manager Bob Geren losing sleep over Swisher's comments? No, because he is not a festering dickhead. But Ozzie is. And he cannot handle seeing what he believes is a slight. But until those cowards in Chicago's front office decide to do something about it, we the baseball public, will be continually reminded that there are brain-dead assholes evaluating lineups and forming rotations in major league baseball.

A Tough Decision Looms

2009-04-20T09:54:00.005-04:00

It was a beautiful Saturday. Hot, balmy, even. A perfect day to sit in a dark, stuffy bar and drink a bunch of beers while the rest of the world returned to daylight without a faggy scarf or douchey peacoat. I was looking forward to some day-drinking and baseball. There was even a few stray butterflies circling my gut, in anticipation of what was supposed to be Chien-Ming Wang's return to rotation stalwart. After striking out Sizemore, and putting the Indians down in order, and Tex crushing one for a 2-0 lead, I was positive the Yankees would win. It would be a nice, easy victory, allowing me to slowly go comatose to the tune of a dozen fizzing Boggs's.

Obviously this didn't happen. I left one bar going into the top of the second, wandered for about ten minutes, strolled into another bar, and saw the score was 6-2. Then 7-2. Then rookie reliever Anthony Clagett absorbed what is the professional baseball equivalent of gang-rape. Then my vision got hazy. Then I switched to Stella. I wanted to numb it. I wanted to forget that the man leaving the game after 1 2/3 innings used to be the Yankees Ace. Eventually I did. But the 800 lb. gorilla in the room that all Yankees fans have to face is, what do the Yankees do next?

A weeks ago, I was completely against a panic. Now? Not so much. And the worst part is, the Yankees can't option Wang to the minors. So, if the Yankees allow him take his turn in Fenway - letting him walk into the fucking Lion's den armed with nothing more than a nerf football and a cap gun - he has to come out better than before. Because if there's no AAA option, and no DL reason, the brass may be faced with a decision that not one expert could foresee over the winter, and definitely one that no team wants to make in the month of April.

Putz-Rod #3

2009-04-20T09:20:00.004-04:00

In my small way here at WMHG, I'll be celebrating the 8th/9th inning combination of J.J. Putz and K-Rod closing out games for the Mets by making one of these posts every time they slam the door shut on the opposition, both as a living tribute to Omar Minaya for fixing the bullpen and as a way to celebrate another great Mets victory!

Putz-Rod #3

4/18 - Milwaukee? More like Mil-shmaw-kee!

Captain Clutch Rakes Out a Win

2009-04-17T16:31:00.004-04:00

Note to Joel Sherman: The Captain Says FUCK YOU!

Keep saying Jeter's done. Please. I beg you.

Friday Movie Matinee

2009-04-17T09:34:00.002-04:00

In this two minute clip, Joe Pesci manages to say some of the greatest quotes in movie history. Yes, they may not be revered by the American Film Institute, or the Actor's Guild, but that's only because those trendy hacks would rather watch a short, foreign, film-noir about a poor painter who blows guys in public washrooms, has a friend named Pablo who's dying of tuberculosis, eats nothing but Tofu cereal while weeping silently, and ends up doing a header off of a bridge.

Me? I prefer Pesci, fucking sue me.

This Could Be a Problem

2009-04-16T16:01:00.003-04:00

FUCK!

Michael Kay Can't Stop, Won't Stop

2009-04-16T09:31:00.006-04:00

Today - to the pants-dropping, self-gratifying delight of Michael Kay and throngs of other Yankees fans - is the first game at the new Yankee Stadium. As I've explained in the past, I'm not very sentimental. But I am happy that the pregame ceremony is set to start at 11:30, giving me several hours of shit to do other than fail at work.

Now, I know many many ~~deaf~~ Yankees fans are okay with the guy pictured above. They seem to deal with him as if he were a young, retarded child screaming in a diner at 10am on a Sunday. He can't help the ridiculous and moronic shit he says, or does, right?

No, wrong. Dead. Fucking. Wrong.

Michael Kay epitomizes the idiocy of most booth announcers. I don't know who's worse, the brain-dead assholes doing Sunday Night Baseball over at ESPN or this babbling motherfucker. Kay takes fandom, poor baseball knowledge, and hypocrisy to peaks and apexes that even fucking God has yet to discover. Have you ever noticed he cannot handle more than two seconds of silence before he has to state the obvious several times over? It's like he was locked in a bedroom closet as a kid and left there for hours on end with nothing to play with but a plastic hanger and a smock. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! I KNOW A.J. BURNETT JUST STRUCK OUT THE SIDE - IT LITERALLY HAPPENED 3 SECONDS AGO!

(bashes in drywall with hammer fist)

...Anyway, so I'm real excited for today's game. How many changes of pants do you think Kay has on hand? I say the line is 4. Feel free to disagree in comments.

The Work of a Higher Power?

2009-04-15T18:05:00.006-04:00

Since the X-Man may be done for the season, this ultimately opens up a spot for Nick Swisher in the starting lineup as the full-time right fielder. Am I upset about this? Sort of. While Nady was not going to rake the way he did last season, he would have been productive, and even if he lost the starting position, he's a good guy to have coming off the bench, especially since Nick Swisher could end up being the 8th inning guy for the Yankees bullpen, and tends to throw his body around in the outfield like Lindsay Lohan on a coke-binge at a movie wrap-party.

Dominate Potential

2009-04-15T09:48:00.005-04:00

AJ, I apologize. I apologize for hoping you got hit by a car on your way to sign a contract with the Yankees. I apologize for calling you "soft" and "weak" and a "sopping wet bitch". I apologize for egging your house and throwing rocks at your windows and keying your car...Okay?

I'M SORRY! I'M FUCKING SORRY ALREADY!

(sobs quietly into Melky Cabrera t-shirt jersey)

Last night's pitching performance was a thing of beauty. Fuck the blown no-hitter, and the two runs; it was the best start by anyone on staff so far this season. Before going into the stretch and losing his rhythm, Burnett was making players look ridiculous. Not stupid - ridiculous - like the way you look when you tuck your pants into your socks when you go hiking because you're scared of ticks...fucking nerd...

But please, A.J., all I ask is that you don't let me down. I'm not one who reacts well after a player sets lofty expectations only to let them come crashing down. Remember this guy? I was positive the Yankees stole him away from Colorado. And remember this guy? Yes, I may have been drunk that whole year, but I was sure he was destined for great things and double-digit home runs for years to come.

But back to the topic at hand...

If what the media says about Burnett learning the tricks of the trade from Roy Halladay last season is true, then Yankees fans are in for a treat. If he can stay healthy and not throw his arm out, he has a legit shot to be the most dominate starter on staff. And that also means the rest of the A.L. East is going to pay...with blood.

Creepy Comparison #69: He's Got An Edge

2009-04-14T13:30:00.005-04:00

No, I'm not talking about Jeter's new Ford Edge, we're talking about Edge, the WWE wrestler, and Jason Werth, the Phillies right fielder. And speaking of Philadelphia, it would probably do Werth some good to pick up a few wrestling moves of his own. If he takes an 0-fer, fans wi'll be dropping beer bottles on his head from the right field stands at Citizen's Bank Park. They're savages, those people, savages I tell you...

Before You Become Mutinous

2009-04-14T09:13:00.009-04:00

Once again, Yankees fans are spiraling into panic mode. They take one look at Wang's inflated ERA and immediately denounce him as the son of Satan or the brethren of failure. True, he has looked awful through two starts this season. But now is not the time to abandon ship. Did the United States abandon Captain Richard Phillips when those walking skeletons took him hostage? NO! They shot them all in the head. That's what the Yankees should do - shoot everyone in the fucking head that calls for Wang's dismissal.

(puts pistol to the head of innocent villager)
(screams in Cambodian)

Okay...Now that we're all calm - let's step back and assess the situation. Wang's velocity is fine. His Achilles is fine. It's his mechanics that are causing the trouble. His sinker isn't sinking, turning it into a stagnant fastball down the middle each time he throws it. All coaches and managers agree that his mechanics are off. The same thing happened to CC at the beginning of last season, and he went on to win 17 games and form his own 1 man rotation in Milwaukee (and they even had Jeff Suppan!).

Let's also not forget that Wang made only 15 starts last season before his freak injury. So, before everyone starts to call for the return of the Mighty Phil Hughes, let's wait and see if he can turn it around.

If I'm calm, then you should be calm. Let's all stay calm here! Now that we're calm again, don't make me get my gun...

God's Gift to Mankind Discounts Any Injury

2009-04-13T12:31:00.001-04:00

This word, tendonitis - when applied to me, that is - is a farce. Doctors say I'm suffering from it. The funny thing is, I don't "suffer". I enjoy. I love. I wallow. I indulge. I allow. I satiate. But I do not suffer. The last person that hinted that I was "suffering" from something, ended up suffering for a very, very long time in a very, very painful way. From what? Let's just say, it was unpleasant.

(makes fist with right hand)
(makes circle with thumb to index finger on left hand)
(pushes entire arm through hole)

But I do not feel sorry for myself. Team doctors are keeping me out of the lineup because of the rage I harbor, not because of some injury. At any moment - until this "tendonitis" speak subsides - I'm liable to skewer a pitcher with a finely cut piece of Ash. That's ugly. And I'd rather not have to hear those haunting screams again.

(flexes biceps)
(kisses biceps)
(absorbs cheers from crowd)

Give it a day, my fair compatriots. In a day or so, I will show what it means to be an offensive juggernaut. I will show you why I was pegged as the man who will mercilessly destroy and slaughter opposing pitchers. This is a promise, friends. Now move along, I'm getting tired of your company, and I need to practice the acceptance speech that will bring the house down when I'm congratulating myself at my Hall of Fame induction.

Jumping to Conclusions

2009-04-13T11:41:00.002-04:00

If I heard it once, I heard it fifteen times yesterday - if Joba Chamberlain wasn't in the rotation, he would have shut yesterday's game out. If Joba came in, the Yankees would have cruised through the 7th and 8th innings. If Joba was available, he would have broke the sound barrier, de-caved Al-Qaeda, and cured Alex Rodriguez of his gayness.

While this might be true, I still think he should be starting.

(And just for the record, the loss was Girardi's fault, and no one else's. He should have kept Veras in. Matching Coke against a righty? That's just dumb.)

Now, back to the Joba debate. The real question here is - and trust me, I understand how overblown this argument is, especially since it's now brewing after an April loss to K.C. - would the Yankees have had the lead if Joba didn't start? What if it were Kennedy or Hughes or Aceves? These guys are crapshoots. While Hughes probably be the most successful of the trio, it doesn't mean he should be in the rotation when Joba is obviously a more polished starter.

The bullpen was mismatched against K.C. on Sunday - plain and simple. The manager shit the bed. So put the "Joba to the bullpen" signs away. When he's mowing down hitters for seven innings (while not pitching in a monsoon), everyone will be okay with it. Until then, relax, have a fucking drink, take a bong hit, but lay off the panic button for a month or two.

Friday Movie Matinee Part II: Big Ern

2009-04-10T14:21:00.001-04:00

The Yankees are up against the always fat Sidney Ponson today at 4pm in Kansas City. I, for one, am not looking forward to watch that fat-shit lob his way through a few innings, and God forbid, end up beating the Spanks somehow. So, I'll be entertaining myself with clips from "Kingpin", because why the fuck not? Enjoy.

BIG ERN IS OFFICIALLY ABOVE THE LAW!

Friday Movie Matinee

2009-04-10T09:42:00.005-04:00

Because I'm being lazy, and don't feel like rehashing yesterday's game (A.J. Burnett looked great! Nick Swisher isn't bad!), here's another clip from "Mean Streets". It's lengthy, but easily one of the greatest scenes Robert De Niro has ever been in.

Rotation Watch - New York Mets

2009-04-09T13:19:00.009-04:00

Since my clever colleague over here decided to start the inevitable feces throwing this early in the season, I decided to sink to the ~~Shea Stadium~~ ~~Children's Blood and Tears~~ Citi Field level, and fire back.

Since declaring Johan Santana an Ace is like calling a sorority girl nicknamed "Spread-Eagle", "easy", there's no reason to divulge into his place at the top of the Mets staff. But besides Johan and the gift of Jesus Christ's changeup, the rotation is shaky at best. First up, Mike Pelfrey, the Mutts #2. Boy did he look great last night! Oh wait, he looked like shit, that's right, I was too busy watching the Mets offense light it up for anyone without the initials "J.S.".

Next up - Oliver Perez, Culican's very own version of Jeff Spicoli. Will he act like he gives a shit today? Will he implode and walk 13? Will he strike out 15 and make housewives from Flushing wet their belly-high trousers? Who knows...It's always a crap shoot.

At #4 we have John Maine. Can he avoid another injury? Can he avoid a second-half landslide like 2007, when he went 5-6 with a 5.53 ERA after the All-Star break? Can he please catch the clap from some Bridge and Tunnel skank?

Rounding out the rotation is the other vaunted Cuban-born Hernandez brother - Livan. He's famous for tantalizing fans after a hot start, and then systematically collapsing start-by-start until he's mercifully released, only to trick another team into picking him up. He used to be a rotation "Iron Man" because he pitched 200+ innings a season for 8 seasons straight. But not anymore. And ignore his listed age of "33", it's much closer to "43".

The Girardi Watch

2009-04-09T11:00:00.009-04:00

As we all know, the Yankees have lost their first two games of the season and the Mets won their first two. What does that mean in Yankee land? Time to overreact! In the spirit of irrationality, I think it's the right time of the season to start guessing when Yankee skipper Joltin' Joe Girardi-o will be fired.

Enter the first new semi-regular recurring post related to the 2009 baseball season on WMHG:

The Girardi Watch

The theme of the post is a play on words. Not only are we "watching" to see when he gets canned, but the Doomsday Clock (pictured above) can also be thought of as a Doomsday Watch, ya know, since they both tell time!

(slips on banana peel)

Anyway...I chose the Doomsday Clock graphic to tie into the post because the firing of a manager usually signifies precisely what the Doomsday Clock was created to symbolize: complete and utter global nuclear annihilation.

In case you're not familiar with the clock, the number of minutes to midnight it's set to equals just how symbolically close we all are (or in this case, Girardi is) to the fiery end.

After back-to-back disastrous games to start the season, the clock has officially been set to:

10 MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT

Another Gem

2009-04-09T09:29:00.005-04:00

So, does the season start tonight again, all you fucking optimistic assholes? Huh? Does it start tonight? Does it start tonight after Monday and last night's shit-show? Does. The. Fucking. Season. Start. Tonight? I WANT ANSWERS!

I take nothing positive away from these two games. Nothing. There was not one thing that made me say, "Wow, at least we have that to look forward to all season!" I wanted to puke after Opening Day. Last night almost drove me toward starting up a heroin addiction. If they keep up the shenanigans and lose tonight, I may just have to.

Something needs to be done. Maybe Girardi should surprise the fuck out of everyone and drive a spear through a bat-boy's face during a pregame pep talk - maybe that will open some fucking eyes.

Apparently I was wrong, because I thought having God's hysterical joke of a human being on the D.L. for a month would be motivation in itself to play well, but maybe these assholes need a better reason.

Anyway, pass the gin. I'm going for a walk...

Round 2

2009-04-08T18:30:00.001-04:00

When you have no place to go, but up, well, this is where Chien-Ming Wang shines. So shine dammit! Shine! I DEMAND YOU SHINE!

Well, at least shine brighter than this goofy-looking motherfucker, okay?

...please?

Alcohol Banned in Roger's Centre

2009-04-08T09:28:00.008-04:00

People who don't drink at baseball games: Pregnant women (except from the Bronx), children under the age of 12, people in AA and...Canadians?

Apparently the garbage-heaving Canucks were a little too much for those mounties to handle up in Toronto, because the Alcohol and Gaming Commission suspended the Roger's Centre liquor license for three days.

Here are a few suggestion for all you Molson-loving drunks who just can't bare the thought of watching a whole nine innings without coming milliseconds away from pissing your pants or threatening a seat usher.

Drink on the way - that's what the car's cup holders are for
Drink in the parking lot - see above, less fun but less dangerous
Boycott these three games and drink at home - because really, it's not like Toronto's breaking any fucking attendance records or anything.

It's just a thought. Or fans can go enjoy a nice, quiet contest without any sound, at all. Like Communist Russia!

Creepy Comparison #68:Caged Heat

2009-04-07T13:00:00.005-04:00

This one caught me by surprise for two reasons, really: 1) Honestly, the only reason I found it was because I was checking out the gamecasts on opening day and saw the picture on the right (John Lannan) which obviously made me wonder if he was Nicolas Cage's disowned younger brother, and 2) how could anyone be more surprised than finding out that someone named John Lannan is starting on opening day?! Things aren't exactly looking up in our nation's capital, I guess. That's two scoops of surprise right there.

On a side note, I made the great mistake of going to see Mr. Cage's new thriller "Knowing" last night. There isn't much that can be said about this movie but "Wow, it's really hard to believe they made that." The entire movie was pointless, the acting was horrible and to cap it all off...it turned out the whole thing revolved around aliens and I'm pretty sure I noticed a God/Angels/Garden of Eden reference at the end, which is the last thing I'm looking for in a sci-fi movie.

Nick has been living off of Con-Air/The Rock/Snake Eyes for a while (yes, I said Snake Eyes). My patience is wearing thin...

The Day After Yesterday

2009-04-07T09:21:00.003-04:00

(cue the circus music)

After yesterday's drubbing at the hands of the fearsome Orioles, I've been reassured several times over by laid-back "normal" fans that it's just one game, that it's way too early for players to find their swing, and that the season starts tomorrow...

No motherfucker, the season started yesterday. And it didn't start off on a good note. It started off on a terrible note. It started off on a note from your girlfriend to your best friend saying she wants to practice the reverse-cowboy with him for her upcoming fuck scene in an amateur European porn video. Yes, it was that bad. Am I overreacting? Yes, of course - but only because I'm fucking insane! I can't help but think that once again, the Yankees will be 14 games out of 1st place by May, and will have to spend the rest of the season climbing out of the cellar and fending off Joel Sherman dribble and Hank Steinbrenner's daily newspaper "retardisms".

And who's to say the team won't stall out of the gate? Their defense was fucking awful and their at-bats were shit. Most of the Yankees looked like scared children chopping away at a saplings in the box.

Is this an extreme outlook? Yes. But fuck being a glass half-full fan, that shit is for grandmother's and ignorant homers. I want a dominate game to reverse my opinion. I want them to take down the Orioles 113-1 and slaughter Melvin Mora during the seventh inning stretch with a battle axe. I want Dave Trembley's Aristocratic French blood spilled all over the freshly planted grass of Camden Yards. Then, maybe, I'll let yesterday's embarrassment go...

(pulls pistol and bottle of whiskey out of desk drawer)

Ok, Ok, I get it...Give it a few days. Let the team settle. But don't try and talk me off the ledge until all five pitchers have shown they can make quality starts. I've been fooled too many times in the past, dammit and I will not be fooled again!

If you need me, I'll be on the porch...

Life Is Fair #3: Aaron Harang

2009-04-07T09:00:00.004-04:00

Times are tough, loyal WMHG readers, but you don't need me to tell you that. We all know the dismal state of the economy. There are two wars raging overseas. Our enviroment has more holes in it than the Yankees batting order. So it's easy to lose hope.

(cue John Williams music)

But we're here to change all that. It's at this crucial time in history that we've decided to show you that no matter how bleak things may seem, life, in the end, is indeed fair. The lord works in mysterious ways: He can giveth, and he most certainly can taketh away. In the case of many players in the MLB, the former is in the talent department, and the latter is in the looks department.

Example #3:

Aaron Harang - Zombie King, leader of the un-dead

For all you ugly S.O.B.'s out there, don't lose hope!

Creepy Comparison #67: Maybe it's 'Cause I'm Irish

2009-04-06T14:34:00.010-04:00

If I could have anyone in the world narrate my existence, it would be Morgan Freeman. Forget Michael Douglas, forget David Keith, forget Gene Hackman. I want Freeman.

For example:

INT. LOWER EAST SIDE BAR - DAY
A harrowed man drinks from an amber bottle, alone, ignoring the raucous crowd around him. He looks beaten and tired. His eyes tell the story.

MORGAN FREEMAN (V.O.)

The beer was more than a drink to the good
Doctor - oh yes - it was more than just a
drink indeed. It was cold and brisk, like a
winter morning. The smooth taste reminded
him of the days when he was a young man,
alone in this world, walking amongst giants
and thieves and cowards who haven't quite
realized the horrors of growing old.

Anything close to that is better than you saying in your head, "I need to take a shit..." And it doesn't matter if Freeman's announcing to the world that he has a raging case of hemorrhoids or announcing that America just bombed Tehran, he still sounds more sophisticated than anyone I know.

As for Jerry Manuel, I respect the way he handles the media and I respect the way he handles cry-baby Jose Reyes' brat tendencies, but the glasses, lose them. Managers get paid some nice scratch, you're telling me he can't swing for LASIK?

It's Probably Because of Something You Did

2009-04-06T13:01:00.000-04:00

An Major League Opening Day* marred by rain is like staining your brand new t-shirt with spicy mustard, or stepping in shit with new shoes, or finding out your girlfriend is cheating on you with a movie star - not world-ending, but more than just mildly annoying.

So why did God chose to soil such a great day? Why not tomorrow, when every team inexplicably needs a day off after one game? Why have games already been canceled? Is there no break in this shit? Can't we fit in 5 innings? How about 4? We can finish up tomorrow. I need baseball. If another person invites me to an NCAA finals party, I'm going to accept the invitation under false pretenses and upper-deck all of their bathrooms - methodically, one by one - until their day is as ruined as mine...

*Real Opening Day, not that ESPN 2 one game bullshit last night, and every season for that matter. And by the way, fuck you to both the reigning world champion Phillies and the Mets. Why the Mets? Because they should have signed Lowe, that's why...

Team Flat-Hat

2009-04-06T11:00:00.010-04:00

There's a trend catching on in baseball that I really can't stand. And it's something I can't get away from, either, because I see it spreading from team to team at a rapid pace. It's not player's appearances either, fat or ugly or fat and ugly - no, it's not anything like that at all. It's that some of them, just SOME of them (for now, thank God) choose to purposely flatten out the brim of their hat so it's straight across with no curve.

As you can see in the simple diagram above, the typical MLB hat has some curve to the brim. This is clearly different than the annoyingly-flat-brimmed hat on the left. I assume that some of today's players seem to think that by doing this, they receive magical strike-throwing or ball-hitting ability. Not true. And I just can't stomach it anymore. The main perpetrators must be exposed.

Here they are, the roster of the All Flat-Hat team (team ranked in order of brim flatness, in ascending order):

Troy Tulowitzki

Slight arch, but a bit too flat for my taste.

Joba Chamberlin

Where the hell are this ugly bastard's eyebrows?

Dontrelle Willis

Why is he holding an orange? Ohh, that's right, he sells them now.

Colby Rasums

Uber-prospect? Yes. Uber-asshole? Yes.

Anthony Reyes

Does that brim come to a slight crown...? No, no it does not.

Chad Cordero

Hey Chad, maybe if you lift the had from over

your eyes you'd be able to throw some strikes.

Edinson Volquez
It's so flat it almost looks like he just placed it

on his head and could blow off at any second.

What do you say, boys? Do it for your old pal AK. Curve those brims!

MLB Notes: Opening Night

2009-04-06T09:00:00.004-04:00

Hope all of you loyal WMHG readers enjoyed opening night, as you know, I sure did. Two quick notes worth commenting on from a great game to open the 2009 season:

1) It was subtle, but did you notice the Phillies new uniforms? As you can see from the diagram, they've upgraded their standard home uniform's with a line of gold trim to commemorate last year's World Series title. I know most teams will celebrate the season following a W.S. win with a patch or something, but you can tell how win-starved a franchise is when they change their entire uniform to remind everyone that they won last year. It almost seems like they did it to remind themselves that it wasn't a dream, and yes, they actually won last season (you can't tell I'm bitter, can you?).

2) New Braves closer Mike Gonzalez was so nervous when he got the call to come in the game on Opening Night that apparently he was hammered drunk. As you can see from the link, his stance on the mound before he delivers from the stretch is spread-out and unorthodox. What you can't see from that photo is that he wiggles around from side to side in constant motion before he begins his delivery. He honestly appears to be too drunk to stand up straight. Yet another reason I hate the Braves.

All in all, a good night. I never though I'd be rooting for the Braves, ever, but it's funny how life changes. Excuse me a moment while I swallow this cyanide pill...

Life is Fair #2: Juan Pierre

2009-04-04T10:00:00.002-04:00

(cue John Williams music)

But we're here to change all that. It's at this crucial time in history that we've decided to show you that no matter how bleak things may seem, life, in the end, is indeed fair. The lord works in mysterious ways: He can giveth, and he most certainly can taketh away. In the case of many players in the MLB, the former is in the talent department, and the latter is in the looks department.

Example #2:

Juan Pierre - With 'Stash

For all you ugly S.O.B.'s out there, don't lose hope!

BREAKING NEWS: Sheffield to All-the-Way Sign Mets

2009-04-03T15:45:00.005-04:00

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Queens, please meet the poor man's A-Rod. Enjoy.

7 Days, 7 Years: 2006

2009-04-03T15:27:00.003-04:00

That's right, assholes, only 7 days left until winter officially ends and God returns to us the smell of freshly cut grass, pine tar, steroid allegations and wintergreen skoal. So, in honor of this divine festival of baseball, day-drinking and tears of joy, we will be counting down the top pitching performances from the past 7 seasons, starting with 2002, and ending with 2008. Feel free to disagree in the comments. Or short walk, long pier. Either way, it's time to rejoice.

2006 - Johan Santana, Minnesota Twins

Stats: 19-6, 2.77 ERA, 245 K's, American League Cy Young Award Winner

Johan is the first (and only) repeat on this list, so I think we can skip the formalities and dive right into his stats.

19 games with at least 7 K's
9 games with double-digit K's
0.997 WHIP
Twins were 27-7 in games started by Santana

Not one to be topped by previous heroic feats, Santana dominated the second half of the season, accumulating numbers that make statisticians sob uncontrollably in their mom's basements. Observe:

15 GS, 102 IP, 10-1, 2.37 ERA, 107 K's, .209 BAA

During this stretch of Johan raking, the Twins went 13-2 in his starts and ended up winning the Wild Card. They folded to the A's in three games, showing less offense than Paris Hilton in an "Avoid the Dick" contest. But Santana did his part, though - in one start he pitched 8 innings with two earned runs and 8 K's.

Another gem season in the books for Johan. Now, if his new team could fucking propel themselves into the playoffs, then we'd be able to witness the postseason domination Johan's shown in the past...

Off Topic Friday: Mean Streets

2009-04-03T09:35:00.006-04:00

If you're like me, then you're sick of watching Robert De Niro continually flush his fucking career down the toilet. Try and name the last half-decent movie he starred in. Go ahead. Try. And if you say "Meet the Fockers", then you have the same sense of humor as a dead cat and you should be beaten to death with a shoe.

The last decent movie he made was "The Score", in 2001.

Now, give me a good reason why one of the greatest actors in history hasn't been offered a halfway decent role in almost 8 years? It's ridiculous...

Now, I don't want to ruin De Niro's eventual comeback, but check out some of the info on "Frankie Machine", due out next year. Michael Mann is set to direct (Last of the Mohicans, Heat, Collateral) may become the man that gives De Niro a shot at redemption. If not, well, he can always take the Marlon Brando route and become a squirrelly motherfucker who's as in touch with the real world as Gary Busey is.

For some vintage De Niro, watch the clip below...

7 Days, 7 Years: 2005

2009-04-02T16:39:00.006-04:00

2005 - Chris Carpenter, St. Louis Cardinals

Stats: 21-5, 2.83 ERA, 213 K's, National League Cy Young Award Winner

There may be some debate over the best pitcher in 2005 - an argument for Johan Santana could be made, as usual - but I'm going with Chris Carpenter, mostly because he went from journeyman pitcher to ace in just two seasons, but also because I have to write about Johan again tomorrow. I'm lapsing in the creative thought department right now. Fucking sue me.

So what defines Carpenter's 2005 campaign? Consistency. Well, that, and the magical healing powers and guidance of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan. Before joining the Birds in '04, Carpenter's ERA never saw a sub-4 standing. Once Duncan took him under his wing, and Carpenter recovered from a torn labrum, he was a new pitcher. And less of a pussy, by the way.

Carpenter turned into a strikeout machine, netting 213 for the season and striking out at least 7 in 15 of his 33 starts. If you subtract his two awful starts that book-ended the season, he would have had an ERA hovering around the 2.00 mark, threatening to drop below. He also pitched 7 complete games, and won two games in the postseason.

And even though Dave Duncan keeps refinancing his soul with the Devil to make sure these reclamation projects continue to fall into his lap, there's no denying that Carpenter deserves the nod for the most-dominate starter of 2005*.

*Besides the aforementioned Johan Santana

Call Me "Ishmael"

2009-04-02T09:51:00.006-04:00

There's always been something off about Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel. Maybe it's the steroid abuse, or maybe it's the whole "going crazy" thing, I don't know, it could be a combination of the two. But what I know for sure is, anytime someone wants people to call them by a new name, then they're probably spending their nights talking to a dog and/or checking their rear-view mirror for shady-looking black, 1957 Chevy's.

I'm all for being reinventing yourself - go nuts, cut your hair, grow a mustache, tattoo the word "fuck master" on your forehead - it could be a good move. But changing your name? I don't know about that - unless it's "Cockface McFagsex", I don't think it's going to get you anywhere. In fact, I think it makes you even more of a douchebag. Did you see Gaylord Perry changing his name? And his name was fucking Gaylord! That's top-three worst first names in history. But no, he stuck with it, threw some Vaseline on the baseball, and took a trip to Cooperstown. And what about Rusty Kuntz? That's just gross. But he didn't whine and bitch, he's still sticking it out, too.

Ankiel's suggested going by, "Dick". No, not something cool like, "Tank" or "Monster" or "Fuck Machine", but "Dick".

Well, if that's what he really wants - no pun intended - then maybe he should be granted his wish. The name fits the person, especially in this case, because he requested it.

7 Days, 7 Years: 2004

2009-04-01T15:03:00.005-04:00

2004 - Johan Santana, Minnesota Twins

Stats: 20-6, 2.61 ERA, 265 K's, American League Cy Young Award Winner

Although most of the 2004 season is blacked-out of my mind forever, and will go down in history as one of the most miserable October's of my life - it was also the season that former Rule 5 draft pick Johan Santana established himself as a force in Major League Baseball. In his first full year in the Twins rotation, Santana started 34 games, pitched 228 innings, and won 20 games. But this information is barely the tip of the iceberg - the real dominance took hold after the All-Star break in July.

Santana's second half numbers read like a box score recapping a professional Ace pitching against blind little leaguers - he started 15 games, pitched 104 innings and went 13-0 with a 1.21 ERA and 129 K's. Ready to shit your pants? He had 14 earned runs during this run. 14. Yes, 14. Four-fucking-teen. That's Koufax-esque. His batting average against was .154. His 2nd half OPS? Oh, just a slim .444.

His two postseason starts against the Yankees were also up-to-par. And by "up-to-par" I mean, "in retrospect, better than everything you've ever done in your life combined". Built a house? Better. Rescued a child from drowning? Better. Single-handedly fought off 17 muggers with nothing but a prosthetic leg and a broken umbrella? STILL BETTER.

Observe: 12 IP, 0.75 ERA, 12 K's.

And the dominance continues to this day. Santana, as the Mets Ace, is fulfilling AK's wildest dreams on an every-fifth-day basis - and what's become the Mets annual collapse is September, an every-third-day-basis.

Reign on, you sonuvabitch, reign on.

Worry About Something Serious, Already...Like The Plague

2009-04-01T09:26:00.006-04:00

Here's the truth about Joba Chamberlain's velocity: It will be fine. Seriously. Stop losing sleep over it. Stop neglecting your kids. Go take them to IHOP or something. God knows they need some fucking sort of a parental guidance.

Let's put a few things into perspective before everyone has an unnecessary heart attack over something that's such a minor issue. Joba is coming off an injury, he's prepping to move into the rotation, and he's refining his 3rd and 4th pitch. Trainers have said his arm is stiff. They said he needs more reps. Once he gets them, he should be fine. He touched on 96 mph yesterday. So what the fuck? Why the worry? Why the fuss?

Well, the main issue here is the legendary circle of New York hack-writers have nothing else to whine about. A-Rod is in Colorado doing god-knows-who, Joel Sherman has run the random Jeter-bashing wagon off a cliff, nobody cares about Roger-fucking-Clemens anymore, Andy Pettitte still loves Jesus, Nick Swisher's a clubhouse guy, Robbie Cano still doesn't give a shit about baseball, CC Sabathia is fat, A.J. Burnett is a hick, Mark Teixeira is obviously better than you, Brian Bruney is out to prove something for the third year in a row, and Mariano Rivera's hairline is still receding.

So, who's left? The mighty Joba, that's who, and his drop in velocity that's *gasp* suddenly come back to life. Story. Over.

7 Days, 7 Years: 2003

2009-03-31T11:58:00.006-04:00

2003 - Mark Prior, Chicago Cubs

Stats: 18-6, 2.43 ERA, 245 K's, 3rd in National League Cy Young Award Voting

There is no doubt that in roughly five years, people will begin to forget the legend that was Mark Prior. And why shouldn't they? They man hasn't pitched since 2006, and has had more surgeries than Mike Hampton and former battery-mate Kerry Wood combined (see here for the full list). But for one season, he was the face of MLB's next generation of Aces.

In 2003, at a very green 22 years old, Prior stepped into the Cubs rotation and immediately became the most-dominate pitcher on staff. He mixed a mid-90's fastball - which had more movement than Tony LaRussa's bladder after a chugging contest - and a plus curve ball with some serious break. He baffled veterans. Made other young ones look stupid, and cruised through the regular season.

In 30 starts, he let up more than 4 earned runs twice. He struck out 245 batters in 211 innings, pitched 3 complete games, and after missing 3 starts in July, came back to go 10-1 with a 1.52 ERA and 95 K's in 82.2 IP in August and September. Dominance. He finished his first postseason with a 2.31 ERA and 18 K's in 23 innings. If the Bartman saga never happened, who knows what could have been?

Now, we all know the sob story that followed Dusty Baker's innings abuse with Prior - injuries, then more injuries, then more injuries, then a move to San Diego, then another injury...

Is it safe to say that Prior can be counted out? It seems that way. While he may eventually make a comeback, he'll never match the numbers he posted in 2003.

Gary Sheffield - All the Way Fired

2009-03-31T09:57:00.006-04:00

In the first bold move to come out of the Motor City since the discontinuation of the Ford Taurus, the Tigers released DH Gary Sheffield. With government bailouts flowing like the boxed wine and divorcee rally, the Tigers figured that things couldn't get much worse, and decided to eat the remaining $14 Million left on Sheffield's contract.

On the other end of the twisted spectrum is the Sheff, who's 1 home run shy of 500, and will probably succumb to his internal rage and end up strangling some innocent street-walker tonight.

Personally, I think it stems from the loss of street-credit Sheff took when that gangly doofus Fausto Carmona handed him a custom ass-whip last September, because what purpose does an over-the-hill slugger with fading skills serve other than being a menace to opposing pitchers?

Regardless, let me be the first to say, sayonara, asshole!

7 Days, 7 Years: 2002

2009-03-30T17:16:00.009-04:00

That's right, assholes, only 7 days left until winter officially ends and God returns to us the smell of freshly cut grass, pine tar, steroid allegations and wintergreen skoal. So, in honor of this divine festival of baseball, day-drinking and tears of joy, we will be counting down the top pitching perfromances from the past 7 seasons, starting with 2002, and ending with 2008. Feel free to diagree in the comments. Or short walk, long pier. Either way, it's time to rejoice.

2002 - Pedro Martinez, Boston Red Sox

Stats: 20-4, 2.26 ERA, 239 K's, 2nd in American League Cy Young Voting

This was the last year of vintage Pedro. Not merely dominate Pedro - but vintage, shit-your-pants when you stand in the box against him, Pedro. To fully understand just how good he was in 2002, you need to look past the box score, and examine the secondary stats that make you wish your team traded for him back in 1997 *cough, cough Yankees*.

His WHIP was a gaunt 0.92, and after a terrible opening day - he let up 7 runs in 3 innings to the Blue Jays - he never let up more than 4 earned runs. 18 of his 30 starts in '02 included at least 8 K's. Batters batted a paultry .198 against him, unbiased on both sides of the plate: .191 against righties, .202 against lefties. After the All-Star break, Pedro's statline went like this: 12 GS, 83 IP, 98 K's, 1.61 ERA, .189 BA.

During this year of binge-drinking and sleeping until dark, nobody hated Pedro more than me. And, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to appreciate his domination, simply because I was too busy both hoping he would get kidnapped by some crazy Yankees fans, and constructing numerous voodoo dolls that had creepy pimp mustaches and the budding sprouts of a disgusting jheri-curl. The pin-pricking may have worked on his Cy Young chances - he somehow lost to slow-pitch lefty Barry Zito - but it did not negate the fact that he added another year to his Hall of Fame career.

Damn you dark forces!

And The Winner Is...

2009-03-30T12:17:00.003-04:00

At least he's better than Melky Cabrera's apathetic attitude toward anything that doesn't include the words "Robbie" and "Cano", right? Right?

Fuck it. At least he's cheap...

Indians Fans Are Easily Confused

2009-03-30T09:22:00.005-04:00

When any player who's in the spotlight loses a bit of pop off his bat, the media caws "steroids". It doesn't matter if the guy just got back from season-ending elbow surgery, if his bat does not immediately return to mid-season form, he's a cheater and he deserves to die alone in a desert.

But not Travis Hafner. No, people in the Midwest are waaaaaaay too naive to think this guy never had his hands in the corroded pot of steroids. It's the same ignorant route they take with their diets - keep eating double-fried chocolate fried sugar balls wrapped in fried buttered sausage bacon. The more you fry it, they healthier it becomes.

How can any rational person not link Pronk to steroids? He went from a oft-traveled minor-leaguer, to power-hitter, to devastating power-hitter, to top-5 most feared power hitter, to injured, to scrub, to re-injured. And now he's got nothing - barely able to put any sauce on batting practice balls. Maybe it's time we start wagging our fingers elsewhere - maybe somewhere else than New York. Besides, at least Hafner didn't take pictures of himself wearing knee-high socks and sweatpants like some kind of softball league lecher...

The Fantasy Non-Guru

2009-03-27T12:55:00.006-04:00

I'll be the first to admit that historically, I've been a failure at fantasy sports. If fantasy sports were revered by the community and not just a select few of nerds and gambling addicts, I'd be shunned like an ancient Japanese boy refusing the way of the Shogun.

But it's not. And with each passing year and each passing draft, I garner hope. Yes, me, the cynical son, has the ability to wrap his arms around a ray of light and hold on for dear life. And yes, I've done it again.

This year, I went into the draft with a new philosophy - no over-thinking. Is this the best route to take? Probably not. But fuck it - a new strategy may be the key to silencing the critics who have labeled me a fantasy bust.

Anyone looking for fantasy insight or analysis, skip this article - it's purely self-absorption. If you want to read how my first draft went and laugh at my shortcomings - read on.

I had the 6th pick overall. The league is head-to-head. Let the nerdiness commence.

Round 1: Miguel Cabrera - 1B/3B
If history repeats itself, I will have successful ruined another fantasy stud. If not, I hope Miggy can repeat last years rake-fest.

Round 2: Carlos Beltran - OF
Meh. I balked on Lance Berkman, as I do every year, and when he's hitting .330 in July, I will trade a load for him, only to watch his statistics decline the rest of the season. Mix, stir, repeat.

Round 3: Kevin Youkilis - 3B/1B
My arch-nemesis. But look at this way - if he gets hurt or begins to suck, my jinx will work. If he performs well, hooray for my team. Believe it or not, since I care more about real-life baseball than fantasy baseball, I pulling for the former.

Round 4: Roy Halladay - SP
I swore off pitchers until at least this round. When I saw Halladay sitting there, I had to grab him. I wanted an anchor, and he's an anchor. Unfortunately his team's offense is as potent as a Fausto Carmona rabbit-punch, so this may end up being a real waste.

Round 5: Matt Kemp - OF
My theory is production over potential. Kemp is young, and has the ability to become a star. Adhering to my own babbling bullshit is obviously something I'm not very good at.

Round 6: Alex Rios - OF
I had him last year, and besides stealing a bunch of bases, he underachieved. So what do I do? Draft him again! It could work, right? Right? Oh well...I suck.

Round 7: Francisco Liriano - SP
I did not over-think this pick. But I probably should have.

Round 8: Jhonny Peralta - SS
This was purely a need pick, but I got the best offensive AL shortstop from 2008.

Round 9: Joakim Soria - RP
Soria is nasty, but his whole statistical year depends on the Royals offensive producing, which is sort of like dating a fat girl with a nice face in hopes that she sheds a ton (no pun - WUCKA WUCKA) of weight.

Round 10: Chris Ianetta - C
I have no clue. It happened so quick, next thing I knew, we were in round 11...

Round 11: Joey Votto - 1B/Util
Another guy I'm banking on to have a big season. I did the same thing with Alex Gordon 2 years ago, and look how that turned out! Again, I can't say this enough - I suck.

Round 12: B.J. Ryan - RP
My top two closers are on Kansas City and Toronto. Wow. Just, wow.

Round 13: Josh Johnson - SP
When the Marlins are competing for 1st place this summer, Johnson will be the main part of it. Oh, and that guy Hanley. But Johnson, mostly.

Round 14: Howie Kendrick - 2B
He's averaged 84 games a season over his three years with the Angels. Awful, awful, awful, AWFUL pick. Loosening the wheels now.

Round 15: Pat Burrell - OF
He still has power, and he may suffer from leaving that Little League Field in Philly, but he'll still have good protection i nthe lineup. Hopefully he doesn't catch the clap from some Florida white-trash.

Round 16: Clayton Kershaw - SP
Innings limit aside, he could end up as the Ace in Dodgertown.

Last 4 Rounds:
- Randy Johnson - SP
- Huston Street - RP
- Jose Lopez - 2B
- Shin-Soo Choo - OF

Choo is a sleeper, Randy can still throw, Lopez is already starting over Kendrick on my team and Street is competing for the closer position after giving up 7 runs in 8 innings this spring, meaning I'll drop him, then he'll turn lights-out, and I'll ram my head through some dry-wall.

There are 9 days left until the regular season begins. God has shown us the light. My fantasy team? Not so much...

That's Why You Sign an "Ace"

2009-03-27T09:13:00.006-04:00

In an extremely melodramatic move, The Yankees announced that CC Sabathia will take the hill on Opening Day 2009 in Baltimore.

Also on the agenda, Michael Kay will spend at least 2+ hours fawning over everything that is A-Rod, John Sterling will perpetually botch each of his nicknaming attempts for the 300 lb behemoth, Johnny Damon will tear some back muscles, A.J. Burnett will report elbow pain, Derek Jeter will talk about what an honor it is to be playing another season, Hideki Matsui will rake 13 doubles even though his knee is filled with lime jello, Mariano Rivera will expose his rapidly receding hairline, and this guy right here will drink too much and call the waitress an "asshole" for mixing up my choice of light beers. I DEMAND YOU SERVE ME THE CORRECT WATER-FLAVORED BEER!

All will go as planned. See you then.

Neon Deion Wants to Teach You How to Stay in Shape

2009-03-26T10:41:00.006-04:00

*Laughing*

*Laughing*

*Still Laughing*

In what is being called a monumentally insignificant move in the world of offseason fitness training and professional guidance, California based Complete Athlete has teamed up with Deion Sanders' program ~~Jheri-Curled Cocksucker L.C.~~ PrimeTimePlayer to increase the size and versatility of their program. The statement also says that Deion is being hired to help softball (yes, softball) and baseball players more visibly amongst college and pro scouts.

One can assume that Deion will be teaching them how to act like selfish assholes, make awful rap videos about Jesus, and subdue opponents with career ending knee injuries because he is too much of a coward to tackle.

If Complete Athletes' program is about staying healthy and playing hard, why in God's Holy-Fucking-Green-Earth would they want Deion Sanders involved? He invented taking plays off. He invented being lazy. He invented the body-throw to stop offensive players. And although he didn't invent the self-absorbed athlete - he did refine it.

Complete Athlete - where athletes go to learn how to be bad teammates and clubhouse cancers!

God's Gift to Mankind: Reggie Who?

2009-03-26T09:00:00.002-04:00

What's this I hear - the media expects me to be the second-coming of Reggie Jackson in pinstripes? Hmm, I find this both perplexing and arousing. Perplexing because I taught Jackson everything he knows, and arousing because while I'm busy being perplexed, I'm also gazing in the mirror at the most chiseled set of abdominal muscles I've ever seen. Just look at them - you could cook a 22 oz. porterhouse on these bad boys!

(crowd takes 5,000 pictures of flexed abs)

And don't they know Reggie Jackson's existence was based on mine? How is this possible, you ask? Because I'm older than the fucking sun, that's how. I travel through time like Dr. Manhattan, and show the same apathetic emotions toward anything and everything that does not involve the words: "sex", "Teixeira", "oral-sex", and "win".

Here are a few other legendary figures molded after my previous feets and accomplishments:

- Lee Marvin's manliness
- Frank Sinatra's voice
- The Porn Industry
- Fireworks
- Greek Mythology

So, next time you hear any members of the media questioning my ability to come into town as a high-priced free agent and deliver, remind them about the Alamo. That's right, the Alamo. Santa Anna? All me. All fucking me.

(kisses bicep)
(kisses other bicep)
(forges silver baseball bat out of discarded silverware)
(hits grand slam)

What Would Chad Curtis Do: Part V

2009-03-25T12:00:00.009-04:00

After leaving the Yankees (and professional baseball altogether), Chad Curtis has plenty of free time on his hands. How do I know this? Well, low and behold, after I ran into him running a petty cab by Central Park, I learned the man still has those strong Christian opinions that really rubbed everyone the wrong way. While negotiating a fee with a customer, he weighed in on the World Baseball Classic situation, without any provocation from me.

The Quandary:

America, God's playground, lost to the Japanese in the Semifinals of the World Baseball Classic.

Chad's Take:

Some people - some of my good friends, actually - are dumbfounded by the outcome of Sunday Night's game. They say, *raises tone of voice* "Hey Chad, how can such a tender and loving and Christian God support those no-good Japs? He chose a bunch of Chinamen over the predominately white and superior team from the US of A? That's just baloney!"

And do you know how I respond?

First of all, I remind them to never, ever question God's decisions. Roger Clemens did that when God took the firmness from his wife's breasts, and where did that get him? Alex Rodriguez did the same thing after his postseason struggles in 2006, and God banished him from the church forever, and turned him into one of them damn gay lovers. Did you see those pictures of him in that devil rag magazine? Sweet Lord! I vomited on my wife's new rug when they flashed them on the television set. Seriously, just up and puked a mixture of lamb chops and pudding all over myself and the floor. Darn shame too, it was such a pleasant looking and unsoiled rug.

And secondly, I remind them that although the Japanese may have won the tournament, they're nothing but a bunch of godless savages who are damned to burn in hell for all of eternity and will be infinitely forced to serve Satan's brethren fruit bowls and juicy steaks and a variety of side-salads on platters made of fire and brimstone. And some of them will be forced to drive Satan's parents around in a Fiat Yugo. And some of them will be forced to play Satan in Trivial Pursuit every single night even though Satan cheats, and there's nothing that can be done to stop him from winning. How do I know this? Because the TV evangelist I sent $25K to told me so. And why would he lie? He already has my money.

After these points,they usually relax. Then we go out and lob rocks at abortion doctors and set fire to their clinics.

Re: Last Post

2009-03-25T11:00:00.007-04:00

Aww, what's wrong little girl? Daddy had to get a 2nd job and STILL couldn't afford tickets to the game?

Following up on the previous post that touched on things involving the Yankees costing too much, I don't think I want to live in a world where the price of tickets to a baseball game has come to this:

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"According to the Yankees' Web site, as of early evening tickets remained at $2,625 for the April 16 home opener against Cleveland, each with a $59.70 convenience charge.

Tickets are priced at $525, $625, $900, $1,050, $1,300 and $2,625 for the Legends seats ringing the infield, which include food and soft drinks. Other field level seats are $90, $125, $225, $250, $300 and $375.

Main level tickets go for $60, $80, $95 and $150, while the terrace level is $50, $75 and $85, grandstand $23 and $30, and bleachers $14.

Tickets for the Delta Sky 360 Suite* sell for $375-800 and the Jim Beam Suite* goes for $120-150 a seat." Courtesy ESPN.com's Spring Blog

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm all for a free market where supply and demand dictate how much things cost, but there comes a point when you simply have to step back and ask yourself, "Am I really sitting in a seat that costs more than a month's rent in my shitty 1 BR apartment?"

Well...are ya?

*Side note - As the Yankee hating Mets fan that I am, I love how the boys in the Bronx took the "high road" on the stadium naming rights issue and kept the name of the new park Yankee Stadium. Apparently, they just slapped a corporate name on every other damn thing in the place. Delta Sky 360 Suite? Jim Beam Suite? Boy, I can't wait to take a piss in the Gold Bond Medicated Power Urinal in the upper deck!

Because Who Doesn't Have $1,000 to Spare?

2009-03-25T09:15:00.006-04:00

Who says there's no money in garbage? There's plenty of it. Plenty, I tell you. Have you ever dug through a can on the corner of Lexington Avenue? It's like a fucking piggy bank.

The Yankees proved this theory true, yesterday, coming to terms on a $10M deal with the city to take down the old Yankee Stadium - *clears throat* the Cathedral of Baseball.

The Yankees are also taking their time in doing so, plucking valuable pieces of memorabilia as the tear apart "The House That Ruth Built". And if you're looking to get your pudgy little hands on a pair of seats, you better have $2K lying around. But who doesn't these days? The economy is booming, promotions are flying, and the world is bowing to the power of the dollar. So go on, you stingy bastard, blow your kid's college fund on a dozen seats from the Mezz. Hopefully they retain the smell of piss!

New Digs, Same Pr*ck Owner

2009-03-24T12:15:00.006-04:00

For $634 Million, the Marlins have a plans for a new home. Sadly, Hanley Ramirez, Josh Johnson, Ricky Nolasco, Dan Uggla, Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin will not be there to open up the new stadium. But owner Jeffrey Loria assures fans that top prospects from the Yankees, Tigers, Red Sox, Mets and Dodgers we be on hand by then, as Marlins, to see the ribbon cut.

The Kind You Can't Smoke

2009-03-24T09:26:00.004-04:00

This may be the stupidest idea in history. If anyone goes out of their way to buy this, they should be forced to give up their jobs, home, and savings and sent to the same island that they took Andruw Jones to and stole away his talent for being a gluttonous pig.

Borderline Hall of Fame Pitcher Calls it Quits: Nobody Weeps

2009-03-23T15:45:00.005-04:00

Will this be the end of Curt's idiotic, doltish and uninspired ranting? Does A-Rod enjoy the company of non-masculine looking women? Solve question #2 for the answer. And may God have mercy on us all...

Define "Market Value"

2009-03-23T10:29:00.007-04:00

We've all been involved in a heated sports conversation with some dip-shit about the economic feasibility of baseball when they inevitably drop the old, "Nobody is worth $XX million to play a stupid game".

You will mostly hear this statement come from the mouth of an intellectual prick who has lots of flowing hair, sparkling teeth, and he's usually wearing a sweater that's worth more than a kilo of heroin. The proper response to this asinine remark is to bash him in the face with the leg of your chair or grab his head and push it through a plate-glass window. If neither of these are viable options, then ask him this: If you work for a company that survives heavily on your performance, then how can you not be worth a large chunk of that company's income?

As much as said douche may think his role as a fucking Wall Street Trader is important, he could fall off a cliff tomorrow, be replaced on Wednesday, and the machine will be back in full gear by Thursday, Friday the latest. But if CC Sabathia suddenly disappears, the Yankees will have a much, much tougher time replacing him. It's simple, really - these guys get paid millions of dollars to generate larger sums of millions of dollars. It's all relative.

Let's say you work for some internet advertising company. You get paid in the low six-figure range to sell online ad space. This is as far as your talents go. So, what makes you think you're worth anything more? The scale of revenue you drive for your company is relative to your salary. If you can sell out Yankee Stadium closing a deal with Proctor & Gamble, then maybe you should get a raise. But that whole, "it's just a game" bullshit, well, it runs deeper than that. The same thing goes for the old-timers who say they would've played for free. Not now, you wouldn't. When you realize your "company" is making millions off your face, your image, your jersey, your performance, why the fuck would you do it without serious compensation? In 1950, you could count the number of televised games on one hand. Now, there's a whole channel dedicated to it. Times change. People need to start getting over their haterism and understand that some player's salaries may seem astronomical, but when you sit back and take-in what the "company" is getting in return, it's peanuts. Or peanuts to the Steinbrenner's, at least. Don't believe that the Yankees need any taxpayers help - they don't. It's a ploy. And a smart ploy at that.

If you, Mr. Paul & Shark polo shirt wearing asshole, don't understand that there's more to the "game" in this day and age, then I'm not sure you should be making more than minimum wage. Sort of like an expendable player making the league minimum.

You see what I did there?

The Wheel in the Sky Keeps on Turning

2009-03-23T09:17:00.003-04:00

Why A-Rod didn't solicit hookers the old-fashioned way - from his car, honking his horn, grabbing his junk, and making lewd references - is beyond me. But hey, since it worked out so well for the governor of New York, than it sure as hell should work out for A-Rod too.

So let's recap here, for those of you who are counting. He went from this, to this, to this, to this...a bitch, a stripper, a flake, a hooker...Wow. Just. Wow.

Just another day in sports fan purgatory.

Lenny Dykstra: Bigotry is Sweet

2009-03-20T11:39:00.004-04:00

Nobody's ever confused Lenny Dykstra with a Harvard Grad student. Shit, I don't think anyone's ever confused Dykstra with a mildly retarded window washer. But throughout the sports world, Dykstra (up until right about...now) was revered for using a seemingly non-existent brain to build an investment empire and found an "athletes-only" magazine, making tons of cash for himself, and anyone willing to trust him in the process.

Well, that's just about over with...

The New York Post's Kevin Coughlin wrote an article about being a former Dykstra employee. Coughlin said Dykstra ragged on women, minorities and gays and used employees credit cards for his own expenses. Here's a nice blurb to get a taste:

Dykstra bragged about putting three black men and a woman (though he used words other than "black men" and "woman") on his first four covers -- Derek Jeter, Chris Paul, Tiger Woods and Danica Patrick -- and used a derogatory term for gay in the presence of a gay page designer, then later laughed it off.

I'm sure Dykstra has good reason for saying all this...

Actually no, I'm pretty sure he doesn't. When you pushing 50 years-old and still calling everyone "bro", you're bound to get yourself caught up in a scandal you can't juice your way out of. Yeah, I said it. Juice. Juice motherfucker! Juice!

And by the way - doesn't Nails know Derek Jeter isn't "all the way" black?

What the hell is an 'Astro', anyway?

2009-03-20T09:38:00.004-04:00

Q: How do you know when you could be in store for a LONG season?

A: When your Grapefruit League record is 1 - 16 - 3, and that 1 win came in the very first game of Spring Training. They are win-less in their last 19 games! Uh Ohhhhhh...

Far East Exposé

2009-03-19T09:51:00.005-04:00

If you're anything like me - ignorant, surly, drunk - then you probably have the same view on Japanese baseball as me. I always *says in douchey voice* assumed that all Japanese were quiet, respectful, well-mannered and familiar with Karate. Well, sometimes you don't see the reversal coming until it's too late and your on your back being pummeled in the face by the girl you just poured your drink on...

After reading this article, I was sort of shocked. The Japanese are surly - just like me! In fact, they are fucking nuts, when you really break it down. Here are some things I bet you didn't know about Japanese baseball behavior, because you're too busy being culturally ignorant like me...

Japanese Managers often put their hands on umpires. And even after shoving or checking an ump, they sometimes stay in the game. Can you imagine Lou Pinella hip tossing the home plate ump and then making a pitching change?

The Japanese have a designated "cheering section", comprised of dozens of brain-numbing air horns and thumping bass drums. Sort of like a ride home on the 6 train, same volume, except less of that charming piss/shit/vomit smell.

American Tuffy Rhodes was 1 home run shy of tying Japanese legend Sadaharu Oh's home run record of 55. He was intentionally walked the rest of the season. Bud Selig should have taken note of this when Bonds was creeping in on Hank Aaron.

Enlightened? Shocked? Ashamed for not knowing any of this? Me neither. But I am glad to know that everything portrayed in "Mr. Baseball" was fairly accurate. I don't think I could take anymore falsity by Tom Selleck.

My 2009 MLB Wishlist

2009-03-19T08:55:00.003-04:00

On my way to work today, as I was crossing 9th avenue, a saw something in the gutter. Normally, I'd just keep walking because that 'something' would be a person shouting obscenities at me if I even so much as crossed their field of vision, but this time it was a unusual twinkle that caught my eye. I walked over, bent down and picked up the curious item. It seemed foreign. It was obviously covered in 9th avenue filth, but the light from the new day's sun was being caught here and there and it appeared to have an unusual shine under all that grime. I gave it a bit of a rub and low and behold, out pops a genie!

And wouldn't you know it, after a few minutes of conversing I find out that he's not just any genie, he's a baseball genie! Will wonders ever cease?

Well, he granted me 3 wishes for the upcoming season and here they are, in no particular order:

Washington, Pittsburgh, San Diego or Seattle break the record for losses - We all know these teams were bad last year. In fact, they were horrible. I'd finally like to see a team so bad that they lose 121 games and let the 1962 expansion New York Mets off the hook as the team with the most regular season losses in the modern era.

KC Royals own the NY Yankees - We all know every year there is one shitty AL team that the Yankees just can't figure out how to beat. They try with all their money-fueled might but no matter who's on the mound or up at the plate, they just can't beat those pesky _______s. It used to be the Rays, but now they're nasty. I'd love for this void to be filled by the Royals. Not many things would give me as much pleasure as watching the fighting-to-reach-.500 Royals befuddle the Yanks and go 8-2 in the season series. Oh, I can hear Michael Kay now, "Boy, these Royals are FOR REAL. Just look how hard they play the Bombers. These aren't you're daddy's Royals, no sir. These Royals are here to stay, I mean, if you can beat the Yankees like they do and really play tough and grind out wins, you can just flat out play, blah, blah, blah..."
Wagner comes back to Mets 'pen in September - No one's talked about this much because the Mets got 2 new closers over the offseason, but it's not that far-fetched. He had Tommy John surgery in early September of '08, and as everyone knows, you're back in about 12 months after going under the knife. They even had to tell him to tone it down recently because he was on schedule to come back too fast and didn't want him to re-injure his arm. What do I want for Christmas in September/October if that's when Christmas was? Situational righty J.J. Putz and situational lefty Billy Wagner setting up closer Francisco Rodriguez. Please Santa, I've been a good boy.

Why's My Head Growing?

BREAKING NEWS: We're Out!

Creepy Comparison #75: Cougar Mania

Another One Joins the Ranks

Friday Video: Mike Francesa is Insane

Madness? This...Is...IMPOSSIBLE!

Creepy Comparison #74: Songs That Make You Naked

Brilliance Avoided

Friday Movie Matinee: The Fan

Bring Out the Chopping Block!

Creepy Comparison #73: The Weak Chin Edition

God's Gift to Mankind Returns

Delgado Done, Bring Out the Freaks

Creepy Comparison #72: White Boyz

Iron Man Wants to Know Gory Details, Dammit!

Creepy Comparison #71: Hilarity

Charlie Hustle Knows What's Worse

Creepy Comparison #70 - Career Crossroads

Papi's Support Group

When in Doubt, Make Some Noise

They're Back?

The Girardi Watch

Let the Healing Begin, And the Ignorance Dissipate

And The Wall Came Crumbling Down

HowGirardi Manages the Yankees Bullpen

*UPDATE* - Dump Joe!

Outta Here, Joe

The Secret to Greinke's Success

It Must Run in the Family

When in Doubt, Send to the DL

Friday Movie Matinee

Canseco Wants to Hit the Mats

Swine Flu Alert in The Bronx

Guess Who's (Almost) Back?

Meet Mark Melancon

Return of the Prodigal Son

Roles Reversed?

The Girardi Watch

The Drubbing

Friday Movie Matinee

God's Gift to Mankind Talks About His First Series in Fenway

Return of the Rivalry

Cole Hamels: "Sorry For Not Giving A Sh*t"

When in Doubt, Add Political Minded A**Hole

The Saga Continues

Ozzie Guillen's Stupidity Strikes Again

A Tough Decision Looms

Putz-Rod #3

Captain Clutch Rakes Out a Win

Friday Movie Matinee

This Could Be a Problem

Michael Kay Can't Stop, Won't Stop

The Work of a Higher Power?

Dominate Potential

Creepy Comparison #69: He's Got An Edge

Before You Become Mutinous

God's Gift to Mankind Discounts Any Injury

Jumping to Conclusions

Friday Movie Matinee Part II: Big Ern

Friday Movie Matinee

Rotation Watch - New York Mets

The Girardi Watch

Another Gem

Round 2

Alcohol Banned in Roger's Centre

Creepy Comparison #68:Caged Heat

The Day After Yesterday

Life Is Fair #3: Aaron Harang

Creepy Comparison #67: Maybe it's 'Cause I'm Irish

It's Probably Because of Something You Did

Team Flat-Hat

MLB Notes: Opening Night

Life is Fair #2: Juan Pierre

BREAKING NEWS: Sheffield to All-the-Way Sign Mets

7 Days, 7 Years: 2006

Off Topic Friday: Mean Streets

7 Days, 7 Years: 2005

Call Me "Ishmael"

7 Days, 7 Years: 2004

Worry About Something Serious, Already...Like The Plague

UPDATE - Dump Joe!